Manic? Depressed? Or just Musing?

Holidays

2010-11-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

I'm already in the holiday spirit and I guess that has a lot with my general frame of mind. In the past years I spent so much time crying in my wine about what I didn't have, so that I could not appreciate what I did. Well no more of that! I've lined up my indie holiday music, I have my candy recipes poised and ready, and I've even bought a gingerbread house to assemble! Day after Thanksgiving, my decorations go up and I'm breaking out the peppermint hot chocolate!

Today I bought my mom a purple Christmas tree. Yes, you read that right, PURPLE. See, mom is a purple fanatic and last year she mentioned she would like to have one.......so waaalaaaaaaaa.........early Christmas present for Mom! Last year she was Ms. Scrooge, so I'm hoping this puts her in the holiday cheer. My son wants to buy a neon green one for us and if he wants to buy it............I'll find a way to decorate it. I only agreed to this, by blackmailing him into decorating with me this year. He's managed to skirt this event for the past few years, but he's agreed, so I may soon have a day glo tree to blind the neighborhood. I will take pictures and post them, if this comes to fruition.

I actually do love the holidays, the food.......eating and cooking, the fellowship, the decorations, the music and the TV specials. This year I will watch all the old favorites, such as It's Christmas Charlie Brown, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, while wearing my Bumble Abominable Snowman slippers and and sipping a hot beverage. I'll count my blessings and enjoy the goodwill people toss my way. If you carol at my house, I might even give you a treat. Hang on guys.......the holiday season is on it's way and I for one can't wait this year! Mock me in my elf hat if you will, but this year I'm grabbing all the holiday cheer with both hands!*Stands patiently under the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed*

Terriers:The Best New Show, You Aren't Watching

2010-09-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

Terriers is a new FX show, airing Wednesday at 10 pm cst, and I am mad about it! It's probably my favorite new show of the season, followed closely in second by HBO'S Boardwalk Empire. According to the ratings, not many of you have jumped on the Terriers bandwagon. That's why I'm here, to drum up some support. Logue and James has taken t0 the road, touring college campuses, to get he word out and I'm gonna do my part to do the same.

The show stars Donal Logue as rascally Hank Dolworth, an ex alcoholic, ex cop, with a very broken soul. You get the feeling that Hank has a tenuous hold on the difference between good and bad. He's not a bad man really, he genuinely cares about people, it's just that somewhere along the way, his 'do the right thing' barometer got smashed. This causes all kinds of fall out for those around him.

Michael Raymond-James (True Blood's sexy, but psycho Renee) co-stars as Hank's best friend and partner, Brit. Even though Brit has a criminal past, his lines between good and bad are clearer than Hank's. Unlike Hank, Brit maintains a great relationship with his live in, Katie. He is aware that his partner constantly steps into that gray area of decision making, and sometimes he is okay with it, but others you can see fears that one day Hank may take it too far and drag Brit down with him.

The premises of the show is these two 'losers' run an unlicensed PI business, in which they spend their time taking unconventional cases, skirting the law (and Hank's ex cop partner), out crooking the crooks, all while fighting to keep their damaged lives from falling apart. But the show is more than that. This show is a great character study about what happens when a good man hits rock bottom and his constant fight to regain some semblance of the life he lost. Hank really does want to be that good man again, but most often he fails miserably.

I have been a fan of Donal Logue since I first became aware of him as the dumpy, yet sexy Dex in The Tao of Steve. Since then, I have closely followed his career. I adored his TV show Grounded for Life, which I still watch in syndication. I kinda liked The Knights of Prosperity, but really loved him as Capt Tidwell in Life. Unfortunately, both of those shows were cancelled. The later, far too soon, in my opinion. Life was a great show and should have had a long viewing life, but as I've lamented before, America has no taste.

If you are familiar with Logue, you'll know he's known for his comic portrayal of characters. I was expecting and looking forward to more of the same in Terriers. I was stunned when I realized this is not a traditional comedy, but a very dark drama with comedy around it's edges. Logue's Hank is not a buffoon. He is very damaged, heartbroken man with a dark side a mile long. He has a lovable, roguish way about him, but there is a black hole quality surrounding him. We realize fairly early in the shows, that unless he gets a grip on himself soon, eventually he'll suck all those in orbit of him into this void with him. This feeling of foreboding is emphasized when his ex partner, Det. Gustafoson warns Britt that "You gotta know he's gonna let you down, it is not in Hank Dolworth to do anything, but self-destruct on people and when he does, everyone catches shrapnel."

Now don't think that this show is a downer, not by any means. Often times it is wickedly funny. From the quick witted banter between the two stars, to the absurd situations they find themselves in. However, the best thing about the show is how every time they get that 'prize', it never is the outcome they envisioned. Most of the time it brings new consequences or problems. You'll find yourself nodding in agreement, "Yeah, lots of time shit just doesn't pan out like you expected it."

Despite his short comings, I find myself rooting for Hank. I want him to find that light at he end of his tunnel and I'm disappointed with him, every time he stumbles. This show is fantastic and I know many of you would dig it, if you would just give it a chance. Stick with it through episode four, before you make a decision. The other three are basically build ups and at ep 4 it really takes off. Please guys, get these ratings up, so we won't lose another great show. Don't let this be another Firefly or Wonderfalls. Don't disappoint me again!!!

The Return of TV

2010-09-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

Well we've all suffered through the summer without our favorite shows. Well, save True Blood. Starting this week, the new season of shows and the return of favorites will commence. And to that I say...........about damn time! I have truly suffered this summer. Only finding comfort and relief in the arms of old favorites.......such as Dawson's Creek, The OC, Wonderfalls, and Veronica Mars. While I very much enjoyed revisiting these and GOD I'VE MISSED LOVE (Veronica + Logan), I have yearned for my currently running shows.

This week sees the return of The Vampire Diaries, on Thursday 9, at 7pm on the CW. Finally we get to enjoy the great love triangle, between the two Elena and the yummy Salvatore brothers. (I would personally pick Damon, the sexiest bad boy you can't help, but love, since Logan Echols) If you've been following, you know that the during the season finale Katherine returned to wreck havoc on Mystic Falls. Now we get to see the repercussions of that much anticipated kiss between Damon and Elena, that ended up being Katherine pretending to be Elena. (This kinda saddens me, because Stefan is a little to brooding wimp to me, ala Edward)

Castle returns Monday Sept 20th, at 8pm. Back is the wonderful sexual tension between Rick and Beckett. Will they, won't they? Glee follows Wednesday 21st at 7pm, to be followed at 8pm, by a new show, Raising Hope, which I will have a mild interest to check out. Now Glee is the show I've been drooling over to start. This show found a must see place in my heart, last season, and I can't wait to see the rumored Rocky Horror Picture Show episode!

The boys will be back in town on Friday, Sept 24th at 8pm. Dean and Sam, Supernatural's sexy, badass, brother duo will be back to save the world........again. I'm not to keen on the new night it's showing on, but if I don't have plans, I will tune in. If I do, I'll do what I do with all my shows I miss, I'll catch em on Hulu. ;)

I can't say I am excited about many new shows this season, but I am very psyched about AMC's The Walking Dead. It's a zombie drama that's due to start on Halloween. I have great hopes for this and my only upset is that I will probably not get to see it's premier. I mean, come on! It's Halloween and I'm always gonna celebrate Halloween. I've watched the trailers and it looks awesome! The zombies are in no way comical, but very creepy. After all the vampire dramas, it's about time that a zombierama had it's day. Here's hoping it's just half as good as it looks.

So jump to it folks. Put new batteries in your remotes, change up the furniture for best viewing positions, stock up on snacks, for it's time to become that creature we all deny we are, but embrace every fall.....a couch potato.

When Things Go Awray, it's Time for Plan B

2010-09-02T05:22:00.000-07:00

So you worked your butt off doing massive overtime, put in for a week of vacation and plan the first real vacation you've had in over 6 years??? What could possibly happen??? Well, if you are me EVERYTHING. I won't go into boring detail, but let's just say most of the money had to be re-allocated to a good cause and that left me with only a little to enjoy during my time off. This wasn't as unexpected as you'd think, I have a history of things I plan not working out, for whatever reason. What was different this time? My reaction, that's what.

In the past, I would have blown a gasket, thrown a fit and cried about how my life sucks, because nothing every goes as I plan. I would have brooded about it all the week I was off and self fulfilled a prophesy that my life does indeed suck. But, in this last year I have been going with the flow. I recognized that life doesn't always happen the way we plan it, so you might as well enjoy the side trips it places you on. I've been to Hot Springs twice this week with two different people. It was a blast both times, enjoying the company of my bestie yesterday and a new friend this past weekend. I love Hot Springs. Even though I have not lived there for over 20 yrs, I still can find my way around fairly easily and soak up the easy atmosphere that is there. I mean........how can you not relax on Bathhouse row?? The shops are cool, the people very friendly and the food is so awesome. The sushi I had at Fuji was phenomenal!!!!

In between trips I have read a lot, reorganized my house, and watched a ton of movies I've been meaning to get to. I will end my vacation by camping in the Ozarks this weekend, where I'll visit a winery and see the beginnings of a 13th century castle. Again, I'll be in good company. I'm a Taurus and we are nature girls. I have to get back to the earth every now and then to feel centered. This trip will be exactly what I have been needing.

All in all, plan B has been rather enjoyable and probably not as hectic as the trip I had planned to Chicago and WI. I still plan to do that trip someday, but maybe this was the type of vacation I needed at this time in my life. I'm slowly, but surely becoming a very flexible person. This helps me to to enjoy all the little detours life is known to take. Who knew that letting go and stop trying to control everything could be so freeing? I'm not saying you can't plan in life, I very much think there is a place for that, but I'm saying sometimes it's great to just fly by the seat of your pants and see where it leads you. Sometimes it's someplace very good. Very good indeed. Namaste

Craig Ferguson Is My Imaginary Boyfriend

2010-08-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna just come out and admit it, I have a HUGE crush on late night host Craig Ferguson. It causes me problems sometimes. Often times I will stay up late to watch his show, which is inadvisable if your alarm is set to go off at 4am. I have to make sure my TV is turned off by 10pm, or I'm like a junkie and I'm unable not to watch him. If I fall a sleep before the show comes on, I will come to a full stage of wakefulness the minute I hear "It's a Great Day For America, everybody!" My crush has become a joke among my friends. Me:Yawn. Them: You stayed up late watching Craig again, didn't you. Me: (sigh) Yes. Them: You know you are daft right? That he's married and you'll never, ever meet him? Me: Yes. And that's the beauty of it. He'll never let me down because it's all in my head and that makes him perfect for me. Them: (Shaking head) Meds might help that yanno?

Okay, let's get this straight from the get go. I don't think for one moment that this could ever be 'real'. I'm not going to stalk him, break into his house, put on his clothes and crawl into his bed. I am not a delusional fan that thinks "If only we could meet, he'd know we belong together." In fact, I'm pretty sure that if we ever met in real life, that it would be a huge let down. Not because he'd be a jerk or anything, because I'm pretty sure he's great, but because there is no way he could compare to IMAGINARY CRAIG. The boyfriend in my head that is damn near perfect.

So why do I crush so hard on him? Well.......he's hot, he's got an accent, a great sense of humor, and a cheeky grin. He also reminds me, somewhat, of an older brother of a childhood friend. One that I crushed on, who teased me mercilessly, and taught me how to french kiss. I don't have a clue what happened to him, I lost touch with the friend, but I remember her brother was hot, thoughtful, clever, and wickedly funny. It's a great memory to hold on to! *Give me a moment* ;)

Last night, high on pain killers, due to a horrendous tooth ache, I came up with the idea that Craig would really be my imaginary boyfriend. From now on if someone asks me if I'm involved, I will say yes. My bestfriend and I came up with all of my imaginary boyfriend's attributes. He's a keeper girls!!! We made him sensitive, but not a sissy. Manly, but not a bully. Helpful, but not a doormat. He is smart, well read, creative, side splitting funny, loves to travel and have adventures. Loves the arts, but doesn't mind getting his hands dirty. He loves his family and mine. He fixes things around the house, but let's me do the things I am capable of. He thinks I'm adorable, loves everything I cook, is also a great cook in his own right, gives great massages, especially feet massages, likes to snuggle, is good and adventurous in sex, and couldn't imagine life without me. He's...........well...............perfect!

Today I loaned him out to my bestfriend. Not to hook up or anything, because this is not Big Love and I don't share my men, not even an imaginary one. No, just to ride along with her and keep her company, and kick ass where-ever she deems necessary. He'll make her laugh, cracking jokes in that adorable Scottish accent and tell her that she is the world's second most extraordinary woman. (I'm the worlds first, of course) Then he'll be home before I get home, to have the house cleaned and another gourmet meal waiting. He's the greatest! Can't wait to get home to him and get another foot massage.........how did a girl get so lucky? ;)

True Blood Ep. 32

2010-08-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

****Spoilers****Well, well, well. Things are certainly getting complicated on TB. Sookie is just like a battered woman, IMO. After Bill almost kills her in ep. 31, they end up have sex, after he helps defend her from the wolves. Granted, danger sex is always hot, but she needs to stand on her decision not to have Bill in her life. I know what it's like to not be able to get a man out of you system, but damn girl, how many times you almost have to die, because of him, for you to get the message he's no good for you?? I am so not a Bill fan, in case you couldn't guess, and the fact he's known what she is, knowing she has been so confused about her abilities, yet he never told her, this is a big betrayal. I can't imagine any altruistic reasoning behind keeping such a secret.

Since I have read the books, I think I spotted a few things that someone that is merely a viewer wouldn't have caught. First......new Waitress......Holly. If this goes where I think it is.....yeee haww! Witches in Bon Tempe. I also know what Hadley told Eric, about what Sookie is, so the appearance of Claudine in ep. 31 made me squeal with delight. Could this mean that Claude is not too far behind? With both Claudine and Eric warning Sookie about Bill, maybe she'll cut him loose and this will set up for what all of the book readers have been waiting for.....the Sookie/Eric storyline from "Dead To the World". I'll be honest though, as much as I've been rooting for a Sookie/Eric hook up, after seeing the chemistry between Anna and Joe as Sookie/Alcide, I wouldn't argue with that storyline being delayed a season, so we can explore this one. Hmmmm Were or Vamp........I'm so torn. ;) I like tall men, and both of them are so very tall. I also like big men and Joe Manganiello defiantly has more meat on him than, Alexander Skarsgard, but as much as I find I am attracted to the dark guys, it's always the lighter haired ones that win my heart. Maybe Sookie can be like Anita Blake and just have them both. *nods*

The chemistry between Sookie and Alcide is tangible. That scene on the porch step was steaming. Not as hot as the crazy vampire sex she had with Bill later (her hand on his throat, I found so hot), but still....I don't know if I could have turned away, like they did. If the storyline continues to loosely follow the books, then a possible Sookie/Alcide hook up is not in the cards.

I think Jesus is more than he says he is. Lafayette having some type of power.......hmmmmm, this has possibilites. I don't figure Franklin is dead, because he didn't turn all gooey. Terry turning into Renee' omg! So spooky! It was my gasp moment for this episode. Wonder if she'll make herself lose the baby, over this? Eric killing the king's consort..........after check mating him (no symbolism lost there) wonderful. Revenge enacted sublimely, but you have to know this will have all sorts of great fall out.

I guess with the introduction of Crystal, they are gearing up for Jason's big storyline in the books. I don't know if I ever even liked that part, but oh well. Can't wait until next Sunday!

It's Wayyyyyyyy Tooooooooo Hot!

2010-08-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

Okay guys, I hate heat. I mean I absolutely, positively hate it. I love Spring and Fall, don't mind Winter at all, but I despise Summer with a passion that knows no bounds. I'm not one of those people that go "Yay Summer, now we can get tans and head for the pool!" No, I dream of living in a climate, where the average temp is 73. My cuter outfits are all for cooler weather. I quit caring when the mercury starts to rise. My clothing becomes merely functional, I pile my hair on top of my head with a clippie. I quit wearing makeup, because it's basically useless. Two hours after I get ready, there is no sign of any makeup on my face, with the exception of the racoon eyes that invariably comes. You can waterproof mascara, but, I don't care what the cosmetic companies state, you cannot sweat proof mascara. I know you all claim you have that magic formula, but I've used you all and you lie. I still look like a crackwhore the morning after a hard night of drugs.

I have lived in the South most of my life and I do believe I am genetically a Northerner, trapped in a Southern climate. I don't mind cold, I can bundle up, snuggle down, drink warm beverages, you get the drift. But heat, heat I have no defense against. It is my archnemesis. We have battled long an hard and I don't see us becoming friends anytime soon.

When that temperature gage starts to raise above 80 F, I get anxious. If there is no air conditioning, I'm lethargic. You can't take off enough clothes (which is inadvisable, unless you are alone at home), you can't drink enough cold beverages, once the sweat starts to roll down your forehead, you might as well dig in for a health dose of misery.

Yesterday it was 106 F, with a heat index of 113. I don't know about you, but this is on my list of aspects to describe hell. At the very apex of the heat yesterday, I could feel it pressing through the windows in my office. Even with the air up high and my fan creating a near hurricane across my desk, I could feel the heat encroaching upon my personal space. I felt that familiar prickle of fear......"Oh my god, I'm gonna start sweating!" I HATE to sweat. I carry baby wipes for such occasion, but there is a point that even those cease to help. Once the sweat begins to pour from the top of my head, in a waterfall to dampen my entire body, like a monsoon of misery, and the only remedy is a cold shower. A cold shower that is 15 mins away, or in my case, since I ride the bus, 1 and a half hour. *shudder*

At 5:25 pm, I braced myself to stand at my bus stop for my ride home. I was armed with a frozen bottle of water, baby wipes, and the knowledge that the bus should be along in about five minutes. Those five minutes were torturous. By the time the bus arrived, I was soaked. I felt disgusting and was embarrassed to be around people, but I had no choice, I had to get home. The air conditioning on the bus hit me like an arctic blast. Due to being drenched in sweat, it caused me to shiver when I sat down. But, it was a shiver of bliss. I mopped off, as best as I could, with my wipes, took a couple of healthy swigs of my iced water, and absorbed the cool air surrounding me, like it was oxygen. Like my body needed it to continue to survive.

I think I kinda vegged for awhile, because before I knew it, I was at the downtown terminal. Thankfully my connecting bus was there and I only had to have a brief encounter with Heat Miser. My walk from the bus stop to home was another exercise in misery, however, this time I had the holy grail of the hot day awaiting me, a long, icy, bone chilling shower. It was heavenly, divine, an almost religious experience.

Today it's supposed to be 107, with a heat index of 114. I am again armed with baby wipes, bottles of water, that are presently freezing in our office freezer, and thoughts of cool, like, banana snow cones, winter days, a bed of Popsicles, it's 75 in Halifax Nova Scotia, snowball fights, wonder if I could live in Alaska, do I know anybody with a meat locker, Christmas trees, snow flakes, hot toddys, and this song in a never ending loop in my head:

"I'm Mr. White Christmas, I'm Mr. Cool. I'm Mr. Icicle, I'm Mr. 10 Below. Friends call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch, turns to snow in my clutch, I'm too much!"

A Busy Late Summer and even Busier Fall!

2010-08-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna spend a little time resting up this month, because starting August 30th I will be off and running. As I stated in a previous blog, I'm headed to Chicago and Spring Green WI the first week in September. We were supposed to take a trip to NH, but plans change and I've learn how to roll with the flow. With this new trip, I'll be able to visit a place that's been on my list to see for a couple of years now. http://www.thehouseontherock.com/ Every since an old boyfriend told me about this place, I've been gunning to go. Along with visiting the House on the Rock in WI, we plan on doing the Untouchables Tours in Chicago, to get a little Gangster history in our our visit. http://www.gangstertour.com/ This trip is going to be awesome, I just know it!

Upon my return I will traveling soon, for a weekend of camping near Mountain Home AR, to visit a great little winery and a medieval castle, that is being built in the Ozarks. It's being built as they did in the 13th Century, using all the tools and the material available then. It will take about 20 yrs to complete, but you can visit and see the progress and see what the history books could not teach you. http://www.ozarkmedievalfortress.com/

Then, at the very end of September, early October, several friends and I plan on making a weekend trip to drive the Pig Trail up to Fayetteville, to see the autumn spectacular that the Ozarks offer every year. This drive is truly a delight to those who love to see the beautiful changing of the leaves and with the group we have rounded up, it should prove to be great fun. You can find info on the pigtrail here: http://www.exploresouthernhistory.com/pigtrail.html

In early November, I get to go see Wicked. http://www.wickedlittlerock.net/ This is my favorite musical and I can't wait! It will be a struggle not to sing along and mouth the lines, but I'll manage somehow. ;)

Next on my list of opportunities is the Mountain View Bluegrass Festival. http://www.mountainview-bluegrass.com/ Dad and my stepmom travel up there every year, to enjoy this event. If you think that a bluegrass festival in only for old folks, think again. The crowd up there gets decidedly younger and younger, every year.

In between all this traveling, I'll be taking in local shows and events. I'll be seeing Built To Spill at The Village, which I'm very psyched about. This group has been around for a very long time, but I only recently became a fan and lucky me, soon after, they were booked to play Little Rock. http://www.myspace.com/thevillagelive Also, catch my friend and her great jewelry and purses in various places in the city. http://www.facebook.com/pages/CLEMENTINE-Fine-Purses-Collectibles/110188752365796 She has great stuff and she's such an awesome person, so you really should go buy something from her.

I guess this is it for now. I know I'm missing something, if I remember it, I'll post it here later. Hope some of these events peak your interests. It's all about experiences my friends, even small ones.

Weekend Trip

2010-07-26T07:01:00.001-07:00

Made a spontaneous trip to Elkhart IN, with my son this weekend. Had a blast! He had a camper to drop off in Elkhart, but we backtracked to Chicago to have a hotdog at Superdawg and do a little exploring. Unfortunately they had bad storms and there was massive flooding on the west side of Chicago, so Superdawg was out of the question. Instead, we rode around a bit, in the storm, trying to find a place to eat real Chicago style pizza. After finding nothing, but national chains, we looked up some pizza places on the gps and just randomly picked one that was in South Holland. Oh my goodness we lucked out.

Our find of the weekend was Aurelio's Pizza. We ordered one small, thin crust, pepperoni and sausage and one large, thick crust, Canadian bacon and pineapple. They were both really good, but we decided that the small one was the best. We were so hungry, by the time we got our pizza, that we couldn't wait to get to our hotel room to start eating, so we broke into the smaller one. It was so hot it burned the roof of my mouth, but man it was awesome. We just drove through the driving rain, grinning, while stringing cheese from our mouths. We both agreed that even though we didn't get do most of the things we planned to do, the pizza was defiantly worth the trip. Since he goes by Chicago no less than three times a week, he's going to randomly pick other places to sample the numerous pizza places around town. I'm sure that we'll do Aurelio's again, but I'm looking forward to trying out Gino's or Lou Malnati's when I ride with him again the 1st of Sept. That trip will be a leisure trip, were we'll head on up to WI to explore a bit of that state and see the House on the Rock in Green Springs.

The rain was so bad, that there was power outages several times Saturday night. We just crashed in our hotel and finished our pizza. We left for home around 4am Sunday and just took our time coming home. We would venture off at random exits and drive around just sight seeing. I got some great pictures. One, of a cornfield that leads up to a church, in the mist, and it is veryyyyyyyy Children of the Corn ish. I really hope it turns out, because it has all the elements of being a very cool shot.

I love the creation of GPS! You can veer off the beaten path to explore and not worry about finding your way back. This gives you the freedom to experience areas that you often miss, that offers charm and surprises. We stopped to gas up and get some travel supplies in Effingham. I was psyched about this, because this is the town that Ben Fold's refers to in his album "Way to Normal". I will note that I did soundtrack our trip with various tunes from Ben Folds cd, Fall Out Boy, Alkaline Trio and Sufjan Steven's album"Illinois". I know it sounds silly to listen to tunes about IL or by IL groups while traveling through the state, but it did give our trip a kind of special atmosphere. I would choose songs to suit the scenery and I'm gonna brag a bit..................I did a bang up job.

Illinois is a beautiful state, but has wayyyyyyyy too many cornfields. ;) I was surprised to see there are a number of wineries along the way. I think I will research them and visit a couple on my way through next time.

I was able to add a new state on my list of places I've visited, as well as a new major city. I will be excited to really explore Chicago on my next visit, but for this trip, I'm just happy to be able to say that furthest I've traveled for pizza is 630 miles.

Things I Am Currently Excited About!!

2010-07-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

1. Scott Pilgrim VS the World. Never read the comics, but from what I've seen from the trailer, this is right up my alley. Besides, it's an Edgar Wright film. Yanno........the guy that directed Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, and Hot Fuzz! This is probably the movie I have most anticipated this summer. The soundtrack looks amazing too! Starts August 13th.

2. The Walking Dead on AMC. Also based on a comic, which are pretty good. I've seen some great footage and this will probably be my show of the season (sorry True Blood, still love you tho!). Starts Oct 2010.

3. Built To Spill. I had resisted this band for many years and finally gave into the wonder that is BTS. Ex bf tried and tried to turn me on to them, but I fought it tooth and nail. After the breakup I was like.......OOOOHHHH, yeah this is awesome!! I'm damn near moist over going to see them. They'll be at The Village, Aug 10, Little Rock AR. Tickets $20 advanced, $25.00 @ door. General Admission.

4. RA RA RIOT. At the Rev Room, Oct 29, Little Rock AR. Tickets $18. This is an 18 + show guys. *Sorry Nicpic :( *

5. New CD Releases: Arcade Fire: The Suburbs, of Montreal: False Priest, Manic Street Preachers: Postcards from a Young Man.

6. Coldstone Creamery. Ice cream that is soooooooooo good! The closest one to The Rock, is on Chenal Parkway. I hit this place about twice a week. Sometimes for lunch. Yum! Go enjoy it's creamy goodness.

7. Visiting New England States. Riding with my son, the first week in Sept. We're making a delivery to NH, but will take the time to visit all those states in the northeast, that I've not made it to. I see a visit to Niagra Falls in my future! I'm beyond excited about this. Yipppeeee!

Stumbled Upon

2010-07-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the things that we come across by accident, end up being some of the best things. For instance, I have never been a fan of cream soda. Root Beer, yes, cream soda no. A few months ago, I reached into a store fridge and grabbed what I thought was a Jones Root Beer. Upon opening it a few minutes later, I took a healthy swig and realized my error. Surprisingly, I really liked the Jones Cream Soda, so much, that I have at least one a week now. I figured maybe my taste had changed and so I tried some other brands to test this theory. While I don't hate them, I'm in no way addicted to them like I am Jones. It's pretty humorous if you think about it. When I was a kid and my parents would buy a variety pack of Shasta, if cream soda was the only thing left, I opted for water.

Tonight I had this happy happenstance. I was trolling though Netflix, looking for an instant movie to watch, and I stumbled up on "Happy Accident" starring Marisa Tomei and Vincent D'Onofrio. The film was from 2000, but I loveedddd it! It's crazy, kooky, lovely, romantic, and I can't believe I never heard of it before. It was silly, it was fun, and it made me smile at the thought of being loved that much. We should all be as lucky. If you guys get the chance, I can't recommend it enough.

I've not been brave enough to branch out and eat from the hundreds of taco trucks that serve our fair city. This week I rode with a friend who decided Taco Bell was their place of choice. I have sworn off Taco Bell and pretty much decided I would eat my frozen diet dinner in the freezer at work. As we turned into BELLHELL, I spied the taco truck I had seen many times before. I walked over to take a look and decided to take a leap of faith. I am fairly fluent in Mexican fare, so a menu, completely in Spanish, did not phase me. I ordered "dos pollo tacos para llevar". ( Two chicken tacos to go) The smell alone made me think I had died and gone to heaven. At my desk I carefully opened one and devoured it. It had to be one of the single best tacos I have had to date. As I was plowing my way through the second, I found myself wishing I had ordered more for later. It was mouthgasmic! I usually give my friend hell for her Taco Bell habit, but I think I shall encourage her, so I can have steady opportunity to get my taco fix! I don't know the name of the place, but it's on the car wash parking lot by Walmart on Bowmen. Go try them and get a little bit of heaven. Come to think of it.......she should be about ready for her Taco Bell fix and I don't think tomorrow is too soon. ;)

New Story on the Horizon!

2010-07-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

I've been playing around with a story idea for several weeks. I've actually written three chapters and so far I'm cool with what I've written. It's kinda a social commentary, but with weed growers, government agencies, government fuck ups, and a new disease that causes people to lose their minds. It's kinda my nod to the zombie genre, though technically, they are still alive and aren't zombies.

It's centered in a fictional town in Northwest Arkansas and I had the good fortune to visit there this weekend. Part of it was to see my favorite opera, Carmen, the other was to soak up some atmosphere. Boy did I. We drove all over the mountains and stopped in a few small towns, so I could get it right when I create my own Ozark town. The inspiration was wonderful and I'm so full of ideas that I've been busily writing the better part of the day. I also got in a couple of movies too, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, a pretty good film based on one of my favorite books, and Zombieland. It's a given why I watched Zombieland. A. Because I love zombie movies, especially Zomcoms, and B. Because...........if you are gonna write about zombie like people, you need a little pop culture zombies to feed your muse. I loved Zombieland. It was just a fun movie and gave me a few ideas to add to my growing list.

I've been doing insane research on how to grow marijuana in the forest. There is so much information and I really want to sound as authentic as possible. I'm sure if anyone ever got a hold of my computer, they would worry what my future plans are. Relax guys. Rest assured it's all just research. I can just see some government system, that is monitoring the net searches, flagging me. Oh my, is that a little paranoia there???? Toke em if you got em! ;)

Changing Tastes

2010-06-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

I know as we mature, our tastes in many things changes. Sometimes we abandon something we feel we out grew, sometimes we revisit something, due to nostalgia. Lately it seems that my tastes and new obsessions are all over the board. Now don't get me wrong, I already had a very eclectic mix of likes, but I think I've finally abandoned worrying about what people think. Yes, yes I did worry, even if I pretended not to.

I've always liked opera, but recently it's become a passion for me. I'm planing on taking trips up to the Ozarks to see Carmen, in late July. Carmen is my favorite opera, but I've been stretching lately and have started listening to operas outside those known in popular culture. I've even seriously thought about taking up singing lessons so I can sing my favorite aria, Habanera. I can sing, sure, but I've never had what one would call an operatic voice. Being a mezzo soprano, this is one of the few lead role arias in my register, but it is my favorite, so it's win win.

I have revisited my musical roots, so to speak. I had long abandoned Rush, Journey,Styx and the like. I discovered Punk around 1978 and it was my understanding that a punker could not like Geddy Lee or Steve Perry, so shelved my LPS and hid them in my closet. Now days I realize how silly it was for me to do this. I loved those groups. At one time I was as excited about them as I was later about the Sex Pistols, The Clash, Black Flag and The Cure. I have put them in playlist rotation and to my surprise I still know every word to every song. It's like it's been hidden safe inside me, until I felt secure enough to let it out. Silly how we let labels dictate what we allow in our life.

Lately I lean toward folk music. More harmonies and acoustical instruments. Groups like Fleet Foxes, Edward Sharpe and the Magnatic Zeroes, Avi Zee, and Larry and his Flask. This is the type of music that in the past, I would have done anything to avoid. I happen to think this is the right soundtrack for my life right now.

My changing tastes extend to foods too. Things I formally found repulsive, I now love. Pesto, blue cheese, feta, clams, sushi, salmon, dark chocolate. These things I hated before I reached age 35. I'm wondering if maybe my taste buds have just matured. Maybe I just wasn't ready for these intense flavors until I closed in on 40? I've also reached back to experience things I use to love, but no longer have in my diet rotation. Pancakes with apple sauce is still amazing. fondue .............I should be doing this more! Mom used to make these awesome fondue meals and I have been trying to replicate the sauces that went with the meat and shrimp offerings. She gave me her old fondue pot and I've been scouring the thrift shops to find a few more. It is my wish to have a big fondue party, complete with 70's dress and music, such fun!

I have been reading books, ones by Ayn Rand, Collette, and Updike. I tried to read Rand in college, but frankly, I couldn't get into it. The other two I just had an irrational aversion to. I think I now have the maturity to enjoy Rand and Updike, and Collette, why was I so against reading her? I love Collette. I needed Collette. But to be fair, I don't think I would have enjoyed or understood "Cheri" in my 20's, the way I do now. ( "I love my past, I love my present, I am not ashamed of what I have had, and I am not sad because I no longer have it.") Maybe, Collette is best enjoyed by the 40 yr old women? But she had a lot to offer the 20 yr old me and I wonder how my life would have played out, had I read her before.

I've also been revisiting books I read, while young, to see how my views have changed. I always considered myself pretty astute, but I think some of the themes of "The Illustrated Man" , "Animal Farm", and books by Emerson, Thoreau, and Whitman alluded me. Oh to be in a class now to talk about these writings. Back then I just listened, occasionally piping in to give a thought. But now, I can immerse myself into Transcendentalism and would love to have a scholar to guide me. What's that they say? Youth is wasted on the young?

Does taste really change? Or do we just mature to enjoy the complexities of certain things? I mean, I still like ranch dressing, but damn, there are some days I crave blue cheese. I can still have a day where I only want to listen to the punk gods, but most days a gentle melody is more my speed. Maybe instead of saying tastes change, I should just say it 's evolving. Yes, my taste is in an ever changing state of evolution. Who knows what will appeal to me tomorrow? I kinda can't wait to see.

Funerals

2010-06-13T04:31:00.001-07:00

Funerals are for the living. As I sat through Lee's funeral, with the exception of the pick of music, I thought, this isn't what he had wanted. Through the sermon, my mind wandered. I again thought, "Would an atheist want a sermon?" Then I realized that he wasn't here to experience it, so what did it matter? The sermon was for the family.

Funerals are for the living. To mourn, to say their goodbyes. I've been saying my goodbyes since Wednesday. I raged at him for not taking better care of his health. I smiled at the memory of him chasing me through our house, being silly, I cried when I recalled the moment our family fell apart. We had been apart for three years. In those three years, we didn't have a lot of contact, mostly enforced by me. I had to put that life behind me, so did he. After seeing all the people that came to his funeral, it looked like he had done just that. In fact it seems he thrived and for that, I am thankful. I loved him, but we were wrong for one another.

His daughter had me sit with his family. I held the baby that would have been 'our' grand-daughter, had we married. She looks incredibly like him. Big blue eyes and a devilish smile. It broke my heart that she will never know him. Now don't get me wrong, he could be an ass with the best of them, he caused me quit a bit of heartbreak, but he could also be playful, thoughtful, charming, reliable, and very loving. I choose to remember the good parts. I let go of the anger a long time ago.

I've said I don't want a funeral. I want a wake. I want a party. I want my life to be celebrated, not mourned. Despite the ups and downs, I really have had a pretty good life and I wish for my love ones to remember that. I realize I can express my wishes, but it's really up to my family and friends to do what is best for them. Funerals are for the living, so I'll let the living choose when that time comes.

Lee Sweetman

2010-06-11T03:25:00.000-07:00

We all lose people from time to time. Some live a full life and quietly fade, while others are taken in their prime, so to speak. I lost an ex this week. He was 42 and leaves two daughters behind. We were to get married five years back. Life had other plans for us, but I had hopes he would find his way one day. After talking to his oldest daughter, it seems his life had greatly improved, since our last talk. I'm glad for this. He was well loved by his children and well respected by his employees. What more could you ask for?

I'm having a harder time with this news, than I thought I would. I know I would feel sad, but I guess the reality of his young age and the fact we were only three years outside a relationship, makes it very personal for me. I loved him. I can go on and say I wish things would have worked out for us, but I know that we weren't really right for one another. I'll always remember his teasing nature and wonderful cooking. I hope he's found peace now.

http://www.meaningfulfunerals.net/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=643431&fh_id=10490&s_id=3D1231B786E2C4B56F404B73C832640E

May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand. ~Irish Blessing

Goodbye Angel Boy.

Going Greener

2010-03-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

People that know me, know that I've made a concerted effort to go greener in the past few years. I've parked my car and have been walking or taking the bus. I use reusuable shopping bags and I recycle pretty heavily. I've subscribed to paperless, online billing, turned my heat down, and I'm replacing all my old, wasteful bulbs with greener, fluorescent ones.

All good, right? Sure, for a start. But I'm trying to commit on a bigger level. So starting today I will embark on a project to cut down on my consumer consumption. To do that I will try not to buy anything new in the next year, that I can buy used. I will also help with a garden this year, canning and freezing our yield for use through out the rest of the year. I will try in earnest to commit myself to making due with what I have and only purchasing items from thrift shops, yard sales, and through networking.

The challenge is going to be hardest right now, because I'm in the middle of redecorating my house. I found this great comforter for my bed and I was going to wait to start this project after my next paycheck, just so I could get it. I then realized that that would be a little like cheating. If I'm really serious about this, there has to be sacrifices. I'll just have to be creative and go on the hunt in thrift shops for something that will work just as well in it's place. I'm currently bagging up stuff to donate to Savers, for a coupon for a percentage off my purchases there. I will also donate quite a few items to the Big Brother Big Sister Foundation. Hopefully me downsizing my personal belongings will benefit someone else.

Am I crazy? No, I know this will be crazy hard, but I'm willing to put my comfort and need for instant self gratification on the line to promote, what I believe, is a better way of life. I'm up for the challenge and I will continue to let you guys know my progress. So today begins day one, wish me luck !

The People In Your Neighborhood

2010-01-24T17:31:00.001-08:00

Friday, I stopped into Hanaroo's, with a friend, for sushi. We had a great time and decided that, since we had not been downtown for quite awhile, we'd walk around a bit. We finally sat on some benches, to engage in one of our favorite past times, people watching.

There was the regular milling of people you would think would be downtown at 2pm on a Friday afternoon, nothing too extraordinary, until........the muppet lady. Yes, I kid you not, we saw a muppet lady. When she was first approaching us, I thought that my eyes (being with out glasses and not being able to see that far off) were playing tricks on me. As she came closer, my friend exclaimed. "She looks like a muppet!" She did indeed look like a muppet. She looked like Beeker in fact. She had a shock of short hair that stood straight up, a pasty white face and an unnaturally large, round, red nose. I could not imagine that someone would be so unfortunate enough to look like this in real life.

My friend and I tried not to stare, covertly stealing glances, so not to be rude and embarrass her. I'm sure she gets a lot of stares. After she had passed us and was a safe distance away, we discuss our sighting. I'm sure she has to have some kind of condition that makes her nose that way and she has my deepest sympathy, but my question is why does she cut her hair in such an unflattering way, to only emphasize her other, not so pleasing features? Did she just give up and say to herself "Well damn, I look like Beeker. If you can't beat them, join them"?

I know I came away feeling very lucky that day and I hope her life is full of riches I can't see.

New Start

2010-01-24T17:14:00.001-08:00

I have used this blog to randomly post shit that comes to my mind, most of it a pouring out of whatever emotion of the moment surfaced, like you would care. I have recently come to the decision that we share way too much about ourselves on the Internet and I'm going to try hard as hell to stop being another said offender. From this day forward I am going to use this blog as a forum for random and witty observations, critiques on film, music, TV, and literature, and pop culture in general. The wa wa wa that has had had a strong presences here in the past, will be just that, in the past.

I had thought to just delete all the past blogs, but some of it is pretty good stuff and the other will just serve as a reminder of what I don't want this to be anymore. So wish me luck as I forge my way, a re-birth into the blogoshpere, going where no.........oh who am a kidding, it's all been done before. ;)

Eulogy for My Grandmother

2009-10-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

My Grandmother passed away Oct 1, 2009. The following is the eulogy I wrote for her funeral. I was too emotional to read it, but my uncle Dewight read it for me.

Mama Gina, as we called her, was more than just a grandmother. She was our cheerleader, urging us on in our chosen endeavor of the moment. No matter how foolish they might seem to others, she knew they were important to us, so she would support us anyway she knew how.

She encouraged creativity. Often times she was our only audience, whether it be reading a story or poem we wrote, listening to us run lines of a play, admiring a drawing, or watching a talent show, performed on her front deck. She always applauded our efforts.

She was our mentor. Always challenging our beliefs, by urging us to check things out before we formed an opinion.

She was our confidant, tirelessly listening to us work throught the tough decisions and issues in our lives, as well as the petty day to day things that got us down. I could call her in the middle of the night and she would listen until I finally either talked myself a solution, or became sleepy.

She was our partner in crime, always up for pizza or ice cream. She would buy us that much desired object that we were afraid to ask our parents for. In my case, it was a coveted bottle of black nail polish.

She took me to my first horror film. I don't remember how old I was, but I was very young, not yet in my teens. She shared my love of horror movies. We spent many Saturday nights watching Elvira's Movie Macabre. Sometimes these movies were scary, but often the were campy and we could laugh at how bad they were.

She had a great sense of humor and that rare ability to laugh at herself. My most vivid memory of this is an instant when Leigh, Kimberly, and I were swimming. Kimberly was little and Mama Gina was standing at the side of the pool, holding on to the rail at the steps, trying to help Kimberly out. Her hand slid down the rail and she went in head first, fully dressed. We kids howled with laughter as she came up sputtering. Kimberly asked her to "Do it again!" Now this prediciment might anger most people, but after she had cleared the water from her nose and eyes she quipped "Well it's Saturday and I guess I've had my bath now!" This was typical of her humor.

She enjoyed life, but most of all she enjoyed her children, grandchildren, great grands, and great great grand. She was the type of rare individual who could bridge age gaps. She was ageless. She became all of our friend's "Mama Gina". And as one friend of mine put it as she relayed her sympathy "Mama Gina was the coolest!" She was the greatest grandmother and the coolest a kid could have had. I think I speak for all of us when I say we will miss her greatly.

Rest in Peace
Regina I Clements
1922-2009

Much love, your granddaughter, Dinah

Simple Things

2009-09-13T06:02:00.000-07:00

I've scaled back my life recently to try to learn to appreciate the ordinary things life has to offer. A few months ago a very wise friend told me I have too much clutter in my life, physically and emotionally. He was right. I've spent so much time laying around feeling sorry for myself and letting my head fill up with such crap, that I had become stagnate and miserable. So I set out to de-clutter my life on both fronts. Amazing how when you get rid of clutter, slow down, relax, and just breathe, things suddenly become more in focus.

There isn't anything anyone else would call exciting going on in my life right now, well except for a hot romance that sweetens my days and nights. Lately it's been really small things that have given me the most pleasure. Listening to Nick play me one of his new songs on his guitar or embarking on one of our endless discussions on music. I've discovered the joys of reading again. I working my way through the Stieg Larsson books, which if you haven't read any of his work, I highly recommend it. I sit for hours, immersing myself in other worlds that offer intrigue, romance, exotic locations, and elegant prose. After I finish with the Larsson books I will finish my journey through the Michael Chabon books, also wonderful books.

I'm not writing much these days, but that is okay. I'm filling my life up with interesting things to inspire inspiration so that when I do start, my fingers will fly across my keyboard at a speed that will amaze. I did have the start of a new story come to me the other day. I got out about five pages and then I started to slow. I put it away for now. No need to force it, it will come one day. My muse is teaching me patience, of that I am certain.

I'm back to meditating. Oh how I have needed this! My stress level has decreased by half. I can't believe I let this great tool go, because it's obvious it does me such good. I'm back on track for complete body and mind wellness. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time.

The cooler weather has allowed me to be outside more. I've been observing the slow change of the trees, amusing at the wars the squirrels have on my street, and have been meeting new people that walk daily my neighborhood. I walk daily now, another type of mediation. I enjoy the sights and the smells during these walks. Not allowing myself to do that rundown of crap I hold in my head, but just enjoying the moment of beinging. I've spent so much time involved in inner dialogue, that I've been missing the great wealth of interesting things around me. Lately I've had time to just observe and I've found things of great interest and amusement.

Laughter is another thing I'm infusing in my life. I've laughed so much lately. From the misread horoscope that told me to "Be sure to focus on your goats today." (It actually read "Be sure to focus on your goals", but the former is funnier and probably better advice. My son is still using this as a teasing point, causing much laughter in our home) to the discussion with Nick about the aliens among us. (Outer Space, not illegals) There has also been conversations with my friend, Kim, about my god daughter's new adventure as a first time high schooler. Although high school is painful for the one encountering it, it's full of funny for those that are older and can look back wistfully at their own 'troubled' times.

With the purchase of a new stove, I'm back to cooking epic meals again. Oh the joys of four burners that all work! I have dazzled my household with awesome standards, as well as new gourmet dishes. I had forgotten how much I enjoy this. Lately I've cooked so much that there has been an overflow of food. Luckily, I always have a house full of people, that are always willing to help diminish my bounty. Filling peoples bellies with good food appeals to my inner earth mother. It's good to have so many appreciative diners as well as the company.

I've recently acquired two kittens. I'm not a cat person, but these were rescued from a dumpster by my son. We think we've found a home for one (crossing fingers), but it looks like we now have gained a little black, green eyed cat named Phantom. She's actually really sweet. Not overly demanding and very chill.

To my surprise I'm actually enjoying having them around. I can sit for hours just watching them play and being generally curious. They are a constant source of amusement these days. They both have adopted me as their surrogate mother, so the are constantly at my side. I find I like the company. I've sorely missed having a pet. I'm looking forward to the winter when Phantom and I can curl up on the couch and watch movies. Actually, right now she is my foot warmer and I think I like that very much indeed. See? Simple things. ;)

Last, but not least, music is back in my life full swing. Not that it ever left, but my focus was on other things. Now there is music involvement in someway, by me, everyday. Not just me listening to it,which I adore, but being a part of it. I listen to Nick's songs and try to give him honest opinions so that he can improve them. I love being part of the creative process. I practice guitar daily, so I can one day compose my own tunes. My son recently picked up the guitar and decided he would learn to play also. This pleases me greatly, but the only down side is one guitar in a house, with two people trying to practice, is that it can cause a few disagreements. However, I think we have finally discovered a schedule that works for us both.

I'm DJ'n on an Internet radio station a couple times a week. My show is one that tries to expose people to a lot of different genres of good, underplayed music. Due to my show, I spend hours searching for great songs to play. This has caused many great discussions with some other music lovers. I can't think of a better way to spend my time, than with friends, music, and great conversation. Who could ask for more?

This morning it's cool and rainy. I am snuggled on my couch with a huge blanket, Phantom, and a hot cup of tea. Today I plan a day of cooking, watching movies, listening to music, playing guitar, and probably some more reading. Nothing real exciting to anyone else, but I can't imagine any better way to spend my day. Take my advice, slow down and enjoy the simple things. Sometimes they are the things that brings us the most pleasure.

Power of Positive Thinking

2009-08-28T02:58:00.000-07:00

I met a man on the bus that reinforced this belief. He announced to me that he would be 70 in a week and he was excited. He was excited because he had just had a physical and he was healthy, healthy and in love! He then related a story to me. He had been married for over 50 yrs, when he lost his wife two years ago due to cancer. No one could ever replace her and he was lost without her. She was the love of his life. He morned for her for a year, rarely leaving the house, shutting out loved ones, his health declining, when a friend suggest he try group grief counseling. At first he rebuffed the idea, he would deal with his grief on his own, but as time passed the idea grew on him.

After his first meeting, he knew he had found his place. This group of people knew exactly how he felt. They helped each other through the pit falls and issues. The group promoted postivie thinking and a desire to still experience life. Within this group he met a lady close to his age, someone who felt like he did, that her deceased spouse could not be replaced. She had no desire to find anyone else, for she had experienced a love of a life time. They soon lapsed into an easy companionship. Shoping and dining together, occasionally seeing a film. They both had a deep love of the church and had many talks on religion. A funny thing happened during this friendship............they fell in love.

Once a week they accompany one another to their loved one's graves. He said what was once a time of deep sorrow, is now a time of joy, as they recount the wonderful times they had with their spouses. He said simple "She gets me, she does not wish to replace my Estelle, just hold a new place in my new life, I feel the same way about her." He was smiling broadly as he spoke about his new love.

He told me he was going to ask this new lady to marry him. He had just had his physical, to make sure he was giving her a healthy 'young' old man. He had the perfect ring and was going to propose to her at a family gathering on Labor Day. He told me that he had asked God to give him a sign that he could continue to go on living without his Estelle and God answered him with this blessing. "You'll get your blessing too young lady, all you have to do is live a full life and it will come." I do believe he is right. Here's to second, third, and forth chances at love. BELIEVE!

He's Just Not That Into You: A discussion on the film and how it rings true

2009-08-13T09:42:00.001-07:00

I viewed this movie several times last weekend and I love it. I don't know if men will like it as much as women, but I had so many 'AH HA' moments, that I found myself becoming a little embarrassed by my past behavior. I've been every one of those women. I have been the girl that reads into every little thing a guy does as a sign, so sure that 'this' meant he liked me or 'that' meant he secretly wants to be with me, but he's working up the courage. I've been the women that will soaking the tales about how once one guy didn't call this girl, that my sister's friend knows, for five months, but he was scared because he had just gotten out of a bad relationship and he needed healing time. Well he finally called her and now they've been happily married for 10 yrs. Or I've been the one to tell a friend, "Well I'm sure he did like you, but you are too pretty.............smart.........independent for him." I've also been the wife that saw the signs, but chose to put my anger elsewhere and then blamed myself for his bad behavior. "What if I had been a better wife, lover, companion?" It really angers me, at myself, for how dense I have been over and over again. Was this movie a revelation? No, the truths here are common sense stuff that we all know, but want to ignore, because we want to believe that no one can find us irresistable. The sad truth is.............there are a lot of people that just don't think you are THAT special. It sucks, but it's true.

I've also been the girl that would run back to my 'safe' man. The man I had no intention of ever really being with, but hung onto, never really giving him hope, but never telling him he had no chance, because he made me feel good. (In defense, that was when I was in my 20's and I'd like to think I've evolved past that horrible phase) This was a horrible thing to do to a really great guy. I hope he has found his 'one', because he so didn't deserve what I put him through. I got my payback by being the fall back girl of someone I kept hoping one day would see how special I am. I wasted a lot of time hoping and dreaming on something he was never going to let happen, because he was simple never that into me, just into the ego strokes I could give him.

The plain bold truth is............if he or any guy is interested, if they want to talk, spend time, enjoy your companionship..........they will instigate it. If you are having to initiate all of the contact............then he's just not that into you. It's a hard truth, but one I think I'll remind myself every time I go to pick up the phone because I haven't heard from that certain guy I was so certain was interested. Even if he called me me every day for weeks and then suddenly blew me off. This does not mean he got scared, is intimidated, or busy. If he's not calling me..............he's not that into me and I'm not going to waste my time and energy on anyone that isn't. He's got my number and if he wants to chat..............he knows where to find me. But don't think I'll be sitting there,waiting impatiently by the phone, willing the phone to ring. No, I'll be out meeting new people and hopefully the guy that IS"that into me".

Here But Gone

2009-08-05T02:58:00.000-07:00

Missing someone can take it's toll on you. Recently I've lost two people, who are still around. The first is my grandmother. An insidious disease called alzheimers has taken her away from me. My grandmother was my rock, my go to person when I needed advice or someone just to listen to me. We've been so close all my life and now she doesn't even recognize me when I visit. It's crazy losing someone and still have them be there. I keep going, hoping one day there will be a glimmer of a smile, showing somewhere deep inside she knows it's me. I do miss her so greatly.

The other is a friend. Did we have a fallen out, no, not really. I think we just both let go and sometimes it makes me so sad. I miss my friend and a hundred times I've picked up the phone to call and tell them something, only to realize I can't. I guess it's better this way, because in the end I think we were making each other miserable, but knowing something was the right thing to do, doesn't fill in the void that has been left in your life when they leave. I still see them around and a huge sense of sadness overcomes me at times. I know in time it will pass, but for right now it's pretty encompassing. I wish them love, happiness and friendship. Their time in my life was important and I hope they feel the same way about me. Who know, maybe some day down the road we'll play a reoccurrent part in each other's lifes, I'd like to think so.

For now I'm missing them both so much. I hope the hurt will ease in time, because it's wearing me out and I so wish to live a very simple and happy life. To both of you, I love you.........where ever you are. I will always love you and you both played such an important part in my life. I'll never forget the special times we had and I hope you know, you are still with me in my heart.

Things I am Unafraid to Admit

2009-07-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

I still cry at weddings.

I love ABBA.

I love Chung King frozen eggrolls with ketchup.

I still believe in true love.

I wish I could play, explore and find joy in the simple things like children.

I don't like caviar.

I love blowing soap bubbles.

Sometimes there is nothing better than a snowcone on a hot day.

I would love to be in involved in a flash mob dance.

I have a thing for guys forearms and hands.

I have seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show over 100 times.

I never went to prom.

I used to swim and snorkle in my bathtub.........at age 14.

I love being in love.

I have often considered being a truck driver so I could travel more.

If I ever get married again, the size of my wedding is unimportant, but I want a bigggggggg honeymoon!

I'm addicted to the vanilla taffy you get at the state fair.

I once kissed a frog and he didn't turn into a prince.

I sometimes I wish my life was a musical, so if I break out in song or dance, no one would think I was weird.

I shoplifted fishing tackle with Vicki from Scaggs Albertsons when I was 17. No, we did not need it, we just did it to see if we could.

There are two things I will not cheap out on.....perfume and lingerie. These two things I will ALWAYS pay good money for.

I still have a locket with a piece of paper with the boy's name I had a crush on in the 9th grade.

I once painted a jewerly box for a friend, but then thought about keeping it for myself.

The watch my ex hubby got from his girl friend before me, did not fall out of his truck and accidently get run over. I threw it out and ran over it over and over on purpose.

I hate Forest Gump with a passion that knows down boundries.

I would love to learn to play the steel drums.

I would love to have another baby, if I was married and in a stable, loving relationship.

I have been crocheting a blanket for over 10 yrs. I only work on it around Christmas and then abandon it sometime after the new year.

I am often very lonely.

Unexpected Weather

2009-07-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

It's been in the low to mid 80's the last couple of days. It's mid July and this is a rare break from what is usually the hottest time of the year for here. The low humidity and the breeze make me think of fall and I've just felt better for about three days now. See, I hate heat. Go figure a southern girl would have such adversion to summer, but I really do. I really should move to a milder climate, one that that has harsher winters. I can deal with cold, just not heat. Heat makes me all melty and disgruntled. I'm not a very pleasant person when I'm hot.

Since it's been so nice, I have taken advantage of spending as much outdoors as possible. Friday it was out on the patio of my favorite pizza restaurant, yesterday feeding ducks at the lake and then picnicing and swinging in the park. Today I've worked outside a bit, taking care of a few tasks in my neglected yard. I'm in a great humor and have lots of energy. Strange how weather can effect you so much. I know they say it effects animals, but man I am living proof it effect us bipeds too.

They are calling for this mild trend to continue into next weekend. I think I'll take full advantage of it and spend as much time as I can out doors. Hopefully it will be with friends, for I have laughed these last few days more than I have in quite a while. I need laughter in my life and I forget that. Bring on the cooler sunny days that work better than any mood altering drug. I've sorely needed them and they are just in time.

I Think the Universe Is Sending Me a Message

2009-07-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

And I'm trying really hard to listen.

Over the past month I have had things slap me upside the head in a way that has to be divine intervention. These little clues have come to me by way of a tragedy of another friend, a song I heard for the very first time at the exact moment I needed to hear it, a fortune cookie, another friends epiphany, and tonight, a movie that not only could I relate too, I think magically I must have been an advisor on, because they so nailed the complexities of my life.

It seems like forever that I have tried to make life fit into the movie I created in my head, probably when I was a very small girl. Unfortunately that script is very rigid and the people I tried to force into the starring roles where badly miscast. I spend huge amounts of time feeling sad that things don't work out like I planned and I forget that sometimes things just work out the way they are supposed to. Instead of enjoying the journey, I'm way too busy looking ahead to the destination. Sometimes that journey veers off the original plan and I panic, because it takes me to places unexpected. I worry this will delay me from intended destiny...........or what I thought was my destiny, when actually it was bringing me closer to the real place I was supposed to arrive at. Do I know what this place is? No. Do I know when I'm suppose to get there...no. What I do know is I have fought hard to remain on a path that is not very healthy for me and the universe is giving me a hard push in the right direction. When the powers that be are kicking your ass in the other direction.........who are we to disagree? Okay I'm listening......tell me which way now.

Trouble With Muses

2009-06-27T21:02:00.000-07:00

I just viewed a film about George Sand and Chopin. There has been much debate on whether Sand nurtured Chopin and staved of his inpending death, just long enough for him to continue composing his masterpieces, or if she hastened his demise.

It is said by many that she was his muse and vice versa. The trouble with muses is that sometimes the very thing that inspires you can turn on you and become the mud pit you become mired in. I've not written for weeks. I am empty. Whereas depression was usually a vast well to dip from creatively, this time the well is dry. I have tried. This causes deep despair, for I have never been unable to not even write simple poetry. Poetry has always been my mirror. My rhythmic journal. I have spent large portions of my life, thinking in verse and prose. To have that too abandon me is past worrisome, it is devastating.

For the past several years I have had one primary sorce of inspiration. This muse is not longer at my beck and call. I can no longer rely on my muse to to bounce ideas off of, or inspire dreams that work themselves into story or film ideas. I feel emotionally barren right now. To lose the ability to write is like losing my blood. It is what has always kept me alive. I feel half alive right now.

Is it wrong to put so much faith into a muse that you become dependent on them for creativity? I thought there was this creative symbiosis that would continue feeding us both. I was foolish to think it could last. I've been foolish in so many ways, but in this I have been criminal to my craft. If only I can find a new wells to dip from.............for this well I no longer can drink from. I am thirsty, so very thirsty. Water, water everywhere, yet not a drop to drink.

Sinking

2009-06-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

Incredibly sad today. It's one of those days when you can't find any good in anything. It doesn't help that the songs that appeal to me today are sad and dark. You would think I would try to listen to upbeat melodies with positive lyrics, but no....the darker, the sadder the better. This sort of starts a vicious cycle. The sadder I get the sadder the music. The sadder the music.....the sadder I get.

Revelations are funny. Sometimes they cause an 'AH HA!' moment and lead to something positive. Other times they set in motion something that maybe was best left alone. One such revelation occurred this week and I'm afraid that now that can of worms is open......there will be no going back. Things have changed, I don't care what anyone says. They have changed and I fear whats down the road. I have this strong urge to hide and that is never a good thing. I've lost my bright spot and damn it I want it back.

Paper Dragon Kites and Medication

2009-05-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just pain meds talking, but in my drowsy state I have decided I want to build a paper dragon kite and fly it. I don't know where this idea came from. Maybe from that well of insanity that I occasionally tap into, but this idea appeals to me on a seminal creative level. I don't know what the kite is supposed to represent. All I know is I must build it to embark on some new creative path.

The thought of dragon slithering and zooming through the sky calls to my inner freak child, she's been dormat way too long. She's been watching me behind her kaleidoscope glasses, holding up her bubble wand and waiting for me to blow. I have neglected her and I'm in a mood to indulge her for awhile. Come on Rosie, we have adventure to tend to. Now where is my scissors and glue?

SCARR 2009 and Back to Back Camping

2009-04-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

Two of our littlest SCARR Campers becoming mud rats. (This was a before pic, the Mom of one and the Dad of the other were none too pleased with the end result. Awwww..... come on parents, don't you know that mud is a magnet for little boys?)

SCARR was a blast last weekend! I had such a great time and would like to thank to all the lovely people I met, for making this such a great trip. Even two days of monsoon like rain could not dampen my spirits. Neither could the broken down vehicles, nor the scary medical emergency. All turned out well and it is definately a weekend for the books. Best part? Well the ever growing camp party Sat night rates up there (so many people came to visit, we were the hopping camp to be at!!), but Mark winning the grand prize in the raffle was the top. The worst part, well the scary emergency mentioned above and the mud. Omg I don't think it will ever come out of my shoes! It got on every thing, no matter what I tried. Next year I WILL bring knee high rubber boots. I was warned, and I paid for ignoring that tip. Also bringing only old clothes. Oh and sharing one port-a-john in a camp of our size was a nightmare. Toward the end it became a running joke about the walk of doom. We were assured next year we could have at least two and possibly three.

There were multiple campsites, the main one being Camp Mabey. We camped at Camp Toyota, but it quickly became as known as Camp Arkansas, although we had a few Texans in our camp. The atmosphere at our camp was very relaxed and welcoming. One night we just all cooked and layed out our food under the pavillion, buffet style, and just ate and visited like one huge happy family.

My tent was huge, it was like a tent condo. At one time I had a chair in there, along with my air mattress. I sat inside my cosy tent and read during the worst rain. I could easily change and I'm seriously thinking about hauling my card table next year to put inside it. We've also decided we need a tent set up with table and chairs, for the kids to play board games and such in. This would have helped during the rain. Aside from the rain, which I did spring a slight leak one night, it was the most comfortable tent camping I've ever done. I'm so buying that tent off of Nigel.

BTW......thanks Nigel, for coming to my rescue when my tent poles came up missing.

The food, man the food was so awesome. So many good cooks at our camp. Ian's grilled swordfish won me over. Not a huge fish lover, but damn that man can cook fish! I was sure I put on at least 5 pounds, but was stunned to find I had lost 6 when I got home. I guess all that food was countered by all the activity. I met so many new great people, ones I hope to continue forging friendships with. I can't wait til some come up here to visit. I can't wait for SCARR 2010. Hopefully I'll have my own Disco by then and won't have to ride with people.

I left yesterday, at lunch time, to camp up in Northern Arkansas at the White River. My ex hubby (yes I said ex hubby, don't read anything into that, we just get along since we've been divorced for 14 yrs) were hoping to get in a lil trout fishing. Unfortantely the high river and the incoming rain made us cut our trip short. Nevertheless, it was nice to get away again, if only for one night. Drinking tequila together by the campfire lead to some interesting conversations and I remembered why he and I became friends in the first place. For a little while we ruined a perfectly good friendship by getting married. On the upside, we have a great son and I wouldn't change that fact for the world.

I have a possible concert coming up Tuesday. (Jason Mraz, yay!) Next weekend I plan to rest and then another camping trip is planned for Mother's day weekend. I can't wait. Busy, busy, busy...it's a nice change of pace.

Unrealistic Expectations

2009-04-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

This is something I found that I wrote awhile ago. I don't think I've conquered my habit just yet, but damn it I'm trying !!!

I have found I have this habit of being very let down by guys I become involved with. For whatever reason, whether it was cheating, miscommunication or incompatibility, I am always left crushed at the end of a relationship. I've spent years damning these unfortunate men for their failings. Why couldn't they be faithful, honest, affectionate, or open? I would pine for lost loves in a way that would rival Heathcliff. I became bitter, caustic, and melancholy. It wasn't until recently, that I discovered the reason. I am not mourning the relationship as it was, but the ideal of what I thought the relationship should be.

This whole scenario is very unfair to my partner(s). I let ideas of what and how things are supposed to be, in my head, cloud the enjoyment of what really exists. No, I don't have the Cinderella complex and keep waiting for my prince. Neither do I dream of the white picket fence with two kids and a dog. I do, however, have this idea of what I think love should be. I don't believe in soul mates. I do believe in great compatibility. In my rational head I know that it takes people with similar interests and backgrounds to make a good solid base. Friendship is imperative. Attraction fits into the equation too. I know what I want and need out of a partner, but when a guy comes along that makes me weak in the knees, I forget all about that. The chemistry over-rules my head. This is where the downfall begins.

How was it ever going to work, when I let myself become involved with men I knew I was not compatible with? I ignored the warning signs and hoped they would change. Yeah, that old fallacy. If he loved me, cared for me enough, he would become magically interested in the things I did. After all, I learned to watch wrestling, go to dirt races, and fish. I attributed qualities to them that didn't really exist. Oh, he's such a great listener. Oh! He is so well read. After the newness of the relationship wore of, I began to pick at them for the things they didn't do any longer. The thing is, for the most part, they never did these things to begin with. I lied to myself that this one sitting on the phone with me for hours talking about various subjects, or that one telling me they read a book was proof that they possessed the qualities I knew would make me happy. When they fell short, I blamed them. Now I'll not excuse some for their bad behavior, but several didn't have a chance to begin with. I idealized my thought of them and our relationship. When I'd get clues this fantasy was not true, it totally unsettled me. So I'd chip away at my mate or pull away. I'd be angry with them for not being what I imagined they'd be. The result was becoming a single person again, once again, alone and bitter.

Now, having a short list of things needed for a good mate is not unreasonable. I've learned to compromise and whittled away at my crazy book of a list. I have a top ten list of things I desire in a possible mate, the top five being things I won't compromise on. You know, things like must have a job, not be crazy, and not be on their fourth divorce, you get the picture. I'm going to try to quit letting pheromones rule my attraction, maybe this way I can save some guy and me a world of heart ache in the future.

Hopefully, now that I have figured out that it's me and not all them, I have a chance at being happier. Am I evolving? Let's hope so. I guess the true test will be when the next bad boy comes my way. Only then will we see if knee-buckling attraction clouds my rational judgment. Man, I'm rooting for the rational judgment, or the cycle continues.

Some Time for Planning

2009-03-23T06:06:00.000-07:00

Being the graceful person I am, I took a big spill on Friday and thought for awhile I had broken my leg. Luckily it was just .....what was it they called it? ...... a high ankle sprain. Basically that means my whole lower leg was hugely swollen and hurt like a mf'r. So I found myself nested on the couch the entire weekend. In between sleeping, due to the pain meds, I found myself thinking about what I wanted to do once I was mobile.

I've recently put another failed attempt of a relationship behind me and I made all these plans at the first of the year, but had I really accomplished anything.? Well.........to be truthful I've only done one of the planned things, I went to see Ludo in concert (yay!) I had a blast and I can't wait to see them again. I have SCARR coming up in April and most likely The Beale St Music Festival in May. After that I think my social calendar really takes off.

I'm currently looking for a camper for my adventure listed in the previous blog. I have decided I need a scooter too. It seems prudent for me to have very fuel efficient transportation, since I will be operating on very low funds. I found an awesome camper that I could afford right now, but unfortuantly I would have to drive to Upstate NY. So that's a no go. *sigh* I'll keep looking.

I started thinking about what other sorts of traveling I would like to do. I really want to go to Hawaii. It killed me that my ex got to go a couple of years ago and I never have been even close to going. It really isn't fair, since he is not one that appreciates anything. I could spend hours walking, people watching, taking photos and just soaking up the culture. He's one of these adrenaline junkies.........so aside from diving.........I'm not sure what he got out of his trip.

I've found some fairly cheap packages, so now to find someone to go with me. I would ask my female bestfriend, but sadly I can't always count on her to follow through. I'm almost certain it would be planned and the last minute something would come up. I asked my male bestfriend, but he was less than enthusiastic. I can't go by myself. I mean I could........but who would want to? Nevertheless...........this is something I'm looking into seriously. Life is too short to wish and want, but never take the steps to experience.

This is day 4 on the couch and I'm getting antsy to do stuff. So I'm doing more planning. I think an eventful life would be a happy one for me. I will have to make sure to schedule in some down time and some remodeling tim, for the, not purchased yet, but hopeful to have one in the near future, camper. Also planning a yard sale to get rid of stuff and put money in my adventure fund. Come buy stuff from me so I can gain the life I dream of...........please?

Professional Hobo?

2009-03-19T03:40:00.001-07:00

I stumbled upon a site http://theprofessionalhobo.com/and I was ................what??? Someone has my dream job?? If you aren't a regular reader of my blog, I'll fill you in. I have a dream of buying a camper and just traveling. Along the way I will gain experience to help with my writing and give me fuel for my documentary film about discovering the hidden America. I will take up jobs in the places I travel, to earn a few bucks to fill the coffer. I want to find a used Air Stream that I can decorate like the inside of a Jennie's bottle. (Like Jaye's on Wonderfalls) I am currently getting rid of some of my stuff, so that I can one day take off on my adventure and have very little to store.

I have given a lot of thought to how I will earn money. I'm sure it will not be easy to get jobs everywhere I go. This is why I am researching ways to earn money through my writing. Of course I've also researched being a camp ground caretaker for free camping space. I can find a camp ground to stay at for several months, then move on. I'm learning to keep my overhead low and do with less, so I can be prepared for the lean times.

Yesterday I texted my friend about the above mentioned site. I was.............why don't I have this life??? He texted back, what is holding you back? I thought about it. Nothing really. Fear, lack of a nest egg..................me. So this weekend I am going to start planning in earnest. I a going to look for a camper that will fit my needs, without emptying my bank account. I will start the remodeling the camper, get some online writing jobs, start putting the money I make there in a special account, and plan out the first year of my trip. The target year?? 2012. I think three years is a good goal. Why wait so long? Well..........I'm a planner and I need some time to get used to living on the fly. Kind of ironic huh?

Late Night Musing

2009-02-28T21:40:00.000-08:00

It's hard reconciling the view you have of yourself with the actual truth. Holding the mirror up to one's self is rarely a positive experience. If we are fortunate, we glide through life, some of us two stepping, other's waltzing, while a few lucky ones tango. Sadly, many find they are the wallflower who never got up the courage to dance.

Who are you? This question I ask myself daily. And not too surprisingly, the answer changes continuiously. Somedays I worry I am becoming a caricature of somebody I had no intention of becoming. The sum of experiences, a few I asked for, many I didn't. I can't find the defining point in my life. Who am I? The ex-wife, the mother, the daughter, the lover, the friend, the enemy, the ignored, the pacified, the insane, the writer, the rebel, the isolationist, the social butterfly, the greedy, the nurturer, the freak, the clown, the muse, the healer, the heartbroken. Who am I?

I have this need to reinvent myself, every so often. But how does one accomplish this when they don't comprehend who they are evolving from? I sometimes know my purpose, but the purpose is much less important than what I represent. I feel I am in a constant state of flux, never knowing who or what I will be/become. Who am I? This question bewilders me, but I find it not as nearly as scary as.........what do I want?

A Call Late At Night

2009-02-27T20:43:00.000-08:00

You know them, you're all snug in your blanket, hand thrown over the pillow, snoring softly when suddenly you're awaken by the shrill ring of the phone! Usually that late they are either a drunken friend who decides to tell you "I love you man!" or bad news. Tonight it was a crying friend.

I listened as this friend cried their heart out over something I could not help with. The night's events are a culmination of choices and what the person thinks they have to live with. It broke my heart. It's my first instinct to protect, but you can't protect someone from themself. There were many "I'll call you back"'s and a couple of "I can't talk right now, distract me." The most recent was "I gotta go." I feel impotent. I know the best thing I can do is just listen, but I can't help but feel I need to do something.

There are so many people in the world continuing unproductive cycles that perpetuate their unhappiness. Sometimes the answer to their misery is the simplest solution, but the hardest one for them to do. I don't know why we make things hard on ourselves. I wish we would put more time into just enjoying the things we can and ridding ourselves of the things that hurt us. I think we over think things too much and try to devise a convoluted answer when in reality the simplest was the only one we needed to heed. Why do we add onto our burden? It's really a cycle of insanity, isn't it? They say that the true mark of insanity is to continue the same action, expecting a different result. Why are we sometimes unable to attempt that new action, when that slight change might make all the difference. I wish I knew the answer to this and how to help my friends, then maybe our world might be a little brighter. Wishes, I have many for my friends, but they are just that, wishes.

Closing Doors

2009-02-21T03:39:00.000-08:00

They say when one door closes, another opens. Lately I'm of the mind, when you open a new one, an old one slams shut. It's come to my attention that maybe opportunities, events, and even certain people should only be major players for set times in your life. Sometimes you have to just let things go.

I have been working hard to divest myself of the negative things in my life. However, a few I hold onto for dear life. Why? Why would I hold onto something that sometimes makes me miserable? Fondness? Routine? Laziness? Sometimes you don't see how something is negatively influencing you until you push it away from you. This has been the case of three things in my life. Two I am quickly closing that door on, one, I've been having trouble with, but I'm quickly gaining the courage.

We hold on to things, people, events/memories, and habits, because the routine of these things give us a strange sense of comfort. For example, up until the first of the year I drank a soda with my breakfast every single morning. Was that soda good for me? No, but I enjoyed it, so where was the harm? The harm was the lack of nutritional content. It gave me nothing good to power my body on and I became addicted to caffeine. I didn't realize how bad it was until I cut out the sodas completely and began the withdrawl. Oh man the headaches and the jonesing, it was like I had the dt's. And I guess in a way, I did. I'm better now and I occasionally drink a soda now for a treat. That's exactly the place the soda should hold in my life, an occasional treat.

What about other things that are in no way of value in your life, yet you find yourself in the habit of them and can't seem to break that addiction? Can you experience these things occasionally as a treat? Sadly, somethings you have to break your habit with and walk away from complete, or else it will have you in it's grips again. I find this so with patterns in my life. I have certain patterns that I have had to just turn my back on. Man it was hard. I sat up many sleepless night, just because I couldn't revert back to this and I so jonesing to do it. Did I feel a loss from it, yeah, but the clairity I got after kicking these 'habits' was so stunning, that I can't believe I didn't do it earlier. Sometimes it's the self destructive habits that are the hardest to let go. One of these I'm still struggling with. See, I'm a fixer. I have this urge to fix people and the wrongs in their lives. Not just random people, but people I strongly care about. In light a few things that have happened in the last five months, I'm thinking slamming that door is the wisest thing I could do. It does not make me happy often, mostly it makes me miserble. And the saddest thing of all, when you work so hard to fix these people, often they don't appreciate it and they turn on you. This has been a hard lesson, but one I guess I really needed to learn. So be it. Consider the door slammed shut.

I've heard people excuse their bad habits/behavior. "It's just the way I am." Or "It's what I do." But see the key is you have a choice here. You made/make the choice to continue the self destructive ways. You aren't being held hostage by your 'nature'. You make a concious decision to continue a certain path, even if it is detrimental to your well being. You make the daily decision how to approach obsticals, to avoid discomfort, and how you treat other people. What is really bewildering is that people can sometimes treat other people with the greatest respect, but not themselves. Why? Why would you treat other people better than you do yourself? Why would you expect good things for your loved ones, but not for yourself? Someone once told me you have to be your own bestfriend. I am a pretty damn good friend, so why havent I been better to me? Can anyone else look out of me the way I could? I have been a shitty friend to myself in the past and that stops today.

I challenge you to take a good look at the negative things in your life and see what you need to unload. I can tell you from from personal experience, sometimes you don't realize the burden you have been carrying until you unload your baggage. Take a look at that old baggage. You have been lugging that same baggage around for so long that the it's starting to look worse for wear. Couldn't you travel easier with just a few things in a backpack? I'm telling you, it's much easier traveling with a lighter load. Trust me, I'm unloading more as we speak and yanno what, I'm gaining more ground than I ever thought possible. Amazing.

Life and a Second Look

2009-02-17T02:48:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of death around me recently. Some family, some friends, some associates. Within two weeks three people disappeared from my life. Poof. It's odd how it comes in clusters. All that "It comes in threes" superstition. I guess in this case they are right. I hope they are right, I don't want another in the future.

There has been a lot of death in this past year. My best friend lost her mother. I've lost several friends, all unexpected. This caused me to take a look at my life and reassess my path. It was due to this that I decided to take control of my life and really live it. I quit mourning losing out on a love I thought should have been the "one". I quit beating myself up over missed opportunities and started making some new ones. So far life is really better for me, since I quit hiding in my house and started living it. I may have even found a new love, we'll see about that one. All I know is I don't want regrets. I don't want to wish I had spent more time with someone or missed out on an adventure that could have been life defining. Life really is fleeting, so I plan on living mine out to the fullest, no matter how short or long, that may be. Don't waste another day living a life you don't want, gain the life you need.

Late Night Thoughts

2009-02-08T22:50:00.000-08:00

I find myself up, when I should be sleeping. In three hours I have to get up and prepare myself for work. I know this, I feel this, I dread this. Still, I cannot sleep. Reason? Things on my mind? A hypomanic episode? I really don't know. Can't put my finger on it this time. *sigh*

It's during these sleepless nights that random thoughts plague me. Are handkerchiefs more environmentally friendly than tissues? Is there one single man out there that loves The Cure and won't cheat? Would a man ever wear a bra if he had ever encountered underwire? See? Random. The sad thing is I actually contemplate these subjects.

Tonight the question of the night is simple.........do you try to stop a train wreck when the conductor is deliberately trying to crash? I've gone back and forth on this subject and I've finally came to a realization. I'm tired. No, not sleepy tired, but mentally tired. I try so hard to be there for people and yanno what? I think this time I'm gonna sit this one out. Am I being selfish? Lazy? An uncaring person? Nah. I think I've just lost my drive to help and protect. Who am I to stop you when you choose to put bamboo underneath your fingernails. Torture away. I'll wait over here. Lemme know when you're done.

Busy Year

2009-02-06T02:15:00.000-08:00

I'm very excited about this year. My schedule is chock full of activities up until after the 4th of July! This is really the last month I can sort of relax, after that, I hit the ground running. Starting in March there will be Concerts, Range Rover Rallies, camping/hiking trips, girl weekends, travel, and other assorted fun. When I said this was the year of Dinah, I freaking meant it!

I used to be like this, going all the time, taking in new experiences, collecting new friends, but somewhere along the way I just stopped. No real reason for it, but I have craved for that fun filled lifestyle to come back and one day I realized that the only thing holding me back was me.

I have so many things to be excited about this year. Memphis in May/Beale Street Festival, floating the Buffalo River, going to Seattle to visit my sister and friends, but I think the thing I am most excited about is SCARR. SCARR you ask? SCARR is to Range Rover enthusists, what Sturgis is to motorcycle fans. People flock to Barnwell Mountain, near Gilmire TX, and the fun ensues. This year it's April 16th -19th and I can't wait. I've never been, but oh have I heard stories from my friends. Do I own a Rover? No. But my friends own extras, so I have will get a chance to drive. And boy will I drive!

I know some of you that have only gotten to know me in the last few years are wondering why this will appeal to me. I'll tell you why, deep down inside, I'm a tomboy. Yes! I was that girl that played with mostly boys until puberty hit, and even after then, I was the three wheeler/horse riding, motorcycle jumping, cliff diving, daredevil. I love every thing that surrounds SCARR. The camping, the socializing, the rugged trail driving, the balls to the walls feats of daring, all I can say is I cannot wait! I will definately post pictures!

So yeah, busy year. I hope to add on a trip to Vegas in the fall and other such fun. I think this year has gotten off to a really good start and all I can say is the first time in a really long time, I'm excited about my life!

LUDO

2009-01-31T05:33:00.000-08:00

I discovered them by accident. A flyer handed to me at a concert in Dec. Curious, I looked them up and immediately fell in love with them. Andrew Voulpe's snarky, funny, epic tale lyrics are a blast and sometimes riveting. You are taken into his confidence and feel his uncomfortable moments as well as his triumphants. His stage demeanor is much like a nerdy drama student in a high school play. All these ingredients have lead me to adore this group. I feel much about them they way I once felt about Weezer. Nerd rock was never so cool.

The video for 'Love Me Dead" is a seemingly one take wonder. I have watched hundreds of times and have marveled over the choreography of the moving sets and people. At first glance it seems cheesy and very amateurish. After more viewings you see that it is more of a challenge than multi shot videos. I have only detected three cuts, although I'm sure there are more. I applaud them for using this style that capitalizes on Voulpe's theatrical style.

Ludo's CD "The Bride" is a true rock opera. It's ambitious, funny, sad, fucked up out there and very awesome. I have listened to this over and over and I can visualize each scene clearly, a testament to Voulpe's storytelling abilities. I could so see this being a high school musical and some college actually performed it. I have hunted high and low for video of this, if someone knows of some, link me please.

I'm taking my goddaughter to see them in March. I'm very excited about this concert as many people tell me that a Ludo concert isn't just a concert, it's an experience. If you haven't heard of them yet, click below to view "Love Me Dead".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCU1JYmGxcA

New Beginnings

2009-01-22T14:17:00.000-08:00

On New Year's Day I claimed this year for myself. I told myself and others that this year was the year of Dinah. I would be a little selfish. I would put more emphasis on my own life, my own wants, my own needs. See, I've spent many years putting all my energy into others. Pretty great of me huh? Well, not really. I love helping to make people happy and I get a pay off from knowing I made a difference. The trouble started this last year. My help and advice was not needed, heeded, or wanted by several of those closest to me. I felt resentful, confused, useless. Suddenly it dawned on me that if I only put half the energy into making myself happy, as I do for others, then maybe my life could be a forfilling one.

So I started my quest to reclaim my life for me. I hurt a few right off the bat. Even though I had warned them of my intentions, I think the sudden about face and my stubborn resolve took them by surprise. For this I apologize. I think I should have been better preparing you guys for my more selfish ways. I'm sure there will be more missunderstandings, but I ask those that know me to have patience. I'm like a teen that's been given a taste of freedom and it will take me awhile to get my bearings and steady my path. Just remember, I am here for you, but from now on you'll probably have to ask for help, my days of waiting for the moment to throw on my cape are probably over.

Roam Free?

2008-12-30T02:16:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling like a caged lion, as of late. I don't know why. Usually I'm content to laze about and deal with whatever may come. Not recently though. Once upon a time I wanted so much out of my life, but most of it never happened. Reasons? The usual, life, bad choices, growning up. I tricked myself into thinking I was okay with the status quo, but I am so not okay with it.

Ler's start with home. I have lived back in my home state for over 17 yrs. While I don't hate it, I have no deep seeded love for home sweet home. I love adventure. I crave new experiences. One of these adventures/experiences are to live many places and travel. I realized that this type of lifestyle is not a secure and stable way to raise a child, so this had to be put on the back burner. Said child is 19 now and I wonder why I am waiting.

Now let's examine career. I hate my job, plain and simple. I have done this mindless monkey work in a service oriented industry, for 15 yrs. Of that 15, the last 10 I have been completely miserable. Why do I stay? Security, good benefits, being a responsible mom that brings home a decent salary. Due to not finishing my degree, I am limited on the jobs I can have that I can make a good living at. Do I make the high dollars? No, but I do okay. There isn't one factor I like about my job. I don't even have very many friends there. I sit in a cubical all day and die like a flower that needs sun. My sun? Creativity. There isn't room for it in my job, believe me, I've tried. Every single morning I get up and put on clothes I hate, that certain dress style that is exceptable as business dress, but never anything I would really adopt on my own accord. I go and sit in a cubic, with headphones on, so not to be distracted from my task. No, really that is a lie, I do this so I don't interact with my coworkers. Once upon a time I used to, but after a series of backstabbing incidences, that seem to be the norm in a all women work enviornment, I keep to myself.

I was unable to complete college, due to suprise of my son's birth. I don't have any other real skills, than what I do now. I have thought about changing companies, but then I would just have to learn new ways to do the same crap I do now. I went back to school a couple of years ago. I had made up my mind to be a filmmaker. Alas, lack of money has not made completion of my degree easy. If I really wanted a full degree in this area, I'd have to take day classes at a college farther from here. Seeing eating and having a roof over my head is more important, that is not to be. So I settle by working on a screenplay. Something that has become increasingly important to me. My problem? My writing partner's excitement about this project crests and wanes. I try really hard to keep them on task, but the new shiney object tends to take up their attention and I'm left to hope it will pass soon. I could just finish it myself, but this has truely become a full on colaborative project and I don't want that to stop. I like the work we have done together, in fact, the happiest moments of my life are when we work together.

On to relationships. People suck at them with me. Wait you say? Isn't that you suck at them with other people? No, I'm pretty good at relationships. What I'm not good at is picking people that are good at having them with me. I used to say my radar was broken, I know longer believe this is true, I think my radar is made for honing in on unsuitable matches. If there is someone that is completely wrong for me, then I will find them and try my damnest to make them fit. Even if I find someone that is a good fit, they don't believe the same of me. I'm told over and over I'm super person, a great friend and companion, then why do people keep passing me up? I have this great capacity to love and nurture, but no one wants to sign up for the long haul with me. Usually they think it's an awesome idea for a couple of months, then they are off to find the new flavor of the month. Most the time they forget to quit the new flavor (me) before sampling something new.

I recently tried a relationship with someone and this too was a complete failure. Why? I really don't know. It it that yet again I have come in on the wrong place in someones life? Could it be that if I had met them at another time, things would have been different? Please tell me why I'm alway the right girl at the wrong time? Past relationships have made me very cautious and overly attune to possible deceptions. I see lies and possible dishonesty at every turn. This has even bled into my friendships. I don't know how to relax and quit this behavior. I am a product of my environment. I don't want to be like this anymore. I really, really don't.

So these are the factors that have led to my mentally pacing the walls of my brain. I have this uncontrolable urge to flee, just leave everything behind and wipe the slate clean. I have even started to get rid of my things, just in case of a hasty exit. Is this something that I should do? Need to do? Could I really walk away from my entire life and invent something new for myself? I see this as a very strong possiblity and it's becoming more attactive to me everyday. Maybe I just need to roam free.

Someone To Love

2008-11-23T04:01:00.000-08:00

They say there is someone for everyone. Then why are there so many lonely people in the world? Leaving out my own disasterious search for a life partner, I know so many people that have not been able to make that connection with someone. I'm sure some of it has to do with how our society becoming one of minimal socialization. I mean, with Internet, cell phone, text messaging and the increased trend of lonerism, people today are spending less time in each other's physical company, which I believe is paramount to making that true connection.

Divorce is at an all time high. Marriage vows are seen as merely a custom and not a contract, adultry rarely raises an eyebrow anymore. We have become a society of disposable relationships and for this we have suffered greatly. No one tries anymore. There are problems with your mate, then find a new one! These relationships seem shallow and depend soley on the happiness factor of either participant. Now don't get me wrong, I don't avocate sticking in a life of misery, just to hold a marriage/relationship together, but why do people give up so damn easy these days? Is it because they know the next shallow relationship is merely days away?

There doesn't seem to be depth in relationships or friendships anymore. It's more of what the other can do for you, opposing to what you two can do together. Any relationship crests and wanes over the course of time. This is, to me, is what makes them special and interesting. I myself have fallen madly in love with the same person over and over again. Did I fall out of love, no. But my degree of love and excitement waned and then out of the blue, bam! It over took me in a shocking wave of passion yet again. I'm sure this is only a drop compared to the ocean of experinces our grandparents experienced in their 50 yr plus marriages. Rarely will a marriage forged today make it to 20 yrs, much less 50 yrs. This saddens me greatly.

What happened to the great love stories? I never hear any, anymore. They are just random hook ups that end in disaster because one or both decided there 'must be something more'. Was there really? Could it be that the something more could have been found, had only they stayed and explored the uncharted territory of their current relationship? I liken today's relationships to scanning a beach with a metal detectors. You never dig deep to find something of worth. What happened to the true treasure hunters that weren't afraid to get dirty and excavate to find the hidden wealth that laid in wait, had only they took the time to search for it? What jewels have you passed over because of laziness, pettiness, or distraction by the next shiny object? It's worth thinking about.

I'm Sorry

2008-11-20T17:41:00.000-08:00

Over a week ago, in a fit of paranoia and random pissyness, I wrote a blog that hurt my best friend. I feel very bad that this hurt him. The truth is I was hurt and thought things that weren't true and I was up and awake and still fuming........so I blogged. Sometimes I am a vicious blogger.

I love my friend. He is one of the best people I know, even though he doesn't always think so. I feel our closeness is something next to epic and I hate that my weak moment of spitefulness caused him pain. I wouldn't give him up for all the riches in the world and no matter what I said, not being his friend is not an option. I love you Superman and again I am very sorry.

Road Signs for the Road of Life

2008-06-22T09:59:00.001-07:00

I often feel I am traveling through life without a map. In some ways it's good, for I veer off onto not so often travel paths, which sometimes lead to great aventures. But, often times as not, I just get lost and never end up where I was supposed to be headed.

So recently I set down and decided to draw up my own map. This only made one thing apparent. I'm not a freaking map maker. So what does a girl do when she travels through life on the fly? Well she tries to use her instincts. Usually my instincts are dead on, but I have this small problem of not trusting my inner voice and doing just the opposite of what it advised. Time after time this has ended up in heartache or hardship. So why do I still refuse to listen to my gut? Beats me.

I am dealing with an issue that sorta sucks. I thought I had experienced the great love in my life, but obviously it wasn't. If it was..............damn that sucks for me. I apparently wasn't his. I am so freaking jaded right now that honestly I don't think I could give anyone a fair chance. I have been dating with lack luster results. I basically feel disconnected to everyone, including my friends.

This has led to many day dreams about just chucking it all and hitting the road. Where would I go? What would I do? Everywhere. Everything. I'm not sure how to go about it, but I've been researching possible avenues. The funny thing is my ex hubby is sorta helping out on this 'dream'. He's looking for a suitable camper for me and has clued me in on how I can work as a camp site manager for free camping.

Everything is pointing to me just one day poofing. Then I ask myself, what would those you love think? How would they feel if you just took off for parts unknown? Then I remind myself that probably, they wouldn't even notice I was gone. Hmmmm

Why?

2008-05-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

Recently I met a man that was quite a bit younger than me, but he pursued me in a way that I haven't been pursued in, in quite awhile. Although I had no intentions in allowing there to be anything more than friendship, I was very flattered that this man found me so desirable. He went to great lengths to gain my attention and then when he finally had it........poof! I never saw him again. This confused me greatly, but I didn't lose any sleep over it.

So weeks have gone by with no contact from Mr. Hot -n- Heavy and finally today I got my answer. A guy that knows him stopped to talk to me today and told me that he hadn't seen him in a bit either. He wondered if his girl friend had had their baby yet. This stunned me. First, I knew nothing about a girl friend, much less a baby. That bastard! This sickens me. He had this poor girl that was carting around his child in her belly and all the time he was trying to make time with me. I am more pissed off that he would do this to her and not by what he did to me. See this brought back bad memories of when I was heavily pregnant with my son and I found out that his dad was out playing the field. I can't convey the sense of betrayal I felt then. The helplessness of the whole situation. After all, I was seven months pregnant..........it wasn't like I could just go out and find a new man to replace the cheating one.

What is it with men that will do this? At a time when a women should be made to feel more secure..........these men go out and piss off, what should be one of the greatest experiences in their lives. Why?

Weekend Off Road Experiance

2008-05-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

So I reached outside my comfort zone and went with friends on a Land Rover/Range Rover excursion, this weekend. I had a blast. It was a sponsored deal, but a small one. I can't tell you the thrill I got bouncing around and sliding in my friend's Land Rover. The courses we went on at Superlift ORV park in Hot Springs Ar has five levels of difficulty. The 1 being slightly bumpy and the 4/5 being, say your prayers and bring a clean change of underwear. The main course we went on was a 2, as most of the people, including my friend, were novices. Sill I can honestly say I'm hooked. The people were nice. We were a mixed crowd of serious off road enthusiasts, newly hooked and first timers. This was my best friend's first time to drive and she couldn't wipe that shit eating grin off her face. She was even more excited when we rode with her husband to tackle a 3. I watched my mild mannered, nice quiet friend turn into a giggling "MORE" goon. It was great!

I loved this weekend. I want to drive my own course soon. The camping part was fun, but only a side project to the actual activity. I won't lie, I'm quite sore, as I had to brace, hold on, and bounce for two days. I'm tired also, but it's a good kinda tired. My friend handled the courses like a champ, but a her hubby had a slight mishap with a tree and another couple had a scary moment sliding off the side of a mountain. We had very experienced people with us, so the couple and the vehicle were saved and everyone came home ok, if not in need of new pair of drawers.

My friend's hubby has promise to build us a ATV buggy so that we can do the scary stuff. We are both giddy with excitement at this prospect. Hopefully it will be built in time for our next event.

We are supposed to go back the weekend of Father's day for some big event. I would love to go, let's just hope my schedule allows for it. I just need to start working out, cuz this is hell on the body and I have found out that even for sitting on my ass..............I am very out of shape. I'll post pictures soon.

Right in Front of You

2008-05-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how we all just want love?

Yet, when many of us get it, it's just not enough.

Changing Partners, changing scenes.

Exchanging wounds and fluids in between.

I wanted to be love before I was an old hag.

I may have been, but I feel still I never have.

Isn't it funny how we all want the same?

Yet most of us are blind and never noticed when it finally came?

Your Best Day?

2008-05-04T04:34:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday with my best friend and her four year old. We tried to plan activities that would appeal to both adults and children, but also the children in the adults. Mission accomplished.

We started off with a visit to the farmers market. My friend allowed her son to 'pick out' her selection and we were both thrilled to be getting fresh veggies, fruits and herbs. This was one thing ticked off on our "To Improve Our Lives" list. The farmers market is in the River Market area of Little Rock and it's always bustling with vendors with varied wares. We also admired the handmade jewelry, candles, crochet goods, as well as art. The hit of that part of our day was the street performer. He was a mime Michael Jackson and he thrilled the four year old to no end. It was such a kick watching the tyke stand there in wonder, a big grin on his face, then sudden laughter as the performer pointed at him and did his best Michael Jackson side kick. My friend and I always say we are going to start spending more time at the River Market, maybe this will be the start of a regular thing.

After that we escaped to the park for a gourmet picnic, that my friend had put together. It was a bit windy, but the beautiful sunshine and the cool weather still made it a pleasant experience. The food was delicious and the company perfect. We chose a park with a kiddie area, so we could linger over lunch and enjoy conversation while the four year old played. During our picnic, the four year old enjoyed watching the kites and the tugboat on the river. I know some of these are very ordinary sights to you and I, but through the eyes of a four year old they were golden.

Next we visited our favorite local boho shop, for incense and what nots. My friend bought her son a wooden flute, pop gun and monster finger puppets. After this we went to the thrift shop that is down the street from me, just to browse. I ended up with a new casual outfit that I'm in desperate need of and I found these awesome shower hooks, that have inspired me to redecorate my bathroom.

We ended our day at a parking lot carnival. My son is grown, but I never tire of watching little ones get beside themselves with excitement at the fair. He was overjoyed with this reward for his good behavior. Dancing and pulling us along the midway........squealing with laughter as he helmed the head of the "Snake Ride". We ended off the evening with a funnel cake and cotton candy. It was a perfect end to a great day. Later my friend called me to tell me that her son, who was half asleep in his car seat on the way home, announced to her "Mommy, this was the best day!" I have to agree with him, it was, even through the eyes of a jaded adult. Sometimes the simplest of days can be our best ones, if only we take the time to enjoy it. I'm gonna start taking time, for life is way to short to put things off for tomorrow, not when we can enjoy the simple pleasures of today. There was nothing truly exceptional about our day, yet it was exceptional. The saying that life is what you make it, rings very true. Life IS what you make it and I for one intend on making it an enjoyable, for filling journey.

Cha Cha Cha Cha Changesss!

2008-04-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

I've been down with the flu for about three days and one thing the flu gives you time to do is think. I've been thinking. (Yes very dangerous) I've been contemplating all the changes in my life recently. Well........to be fair.......all the changes in my life the past few years. I am no where near where I thought I would be, approaching 41. Yet, I'm not real unhappy with what's been shaping up in the last year. I've changed. Actually, I changed before, but I'm changing back into someone I like. It's hard when you don't like you. I let people, circumstances, lack of money, bad decisions, damn near cripple me. I lost sight of several of the things that was most important to me. I've been regaining that passion I had for life. That ability to laugh and find humor in the day to day.

I'm an odd mix. I can be very spontaneous and somewhat of a risk taker in someways..........then in others I'm comfortable with routine and planned events. This puts me at war with myself. For a while I let the safe part of me win out. She's practical, got a level head, and always weighs the consequences. She's also anxious, lonely, staid, and bored. I had to give her a bit of a vacation. Don't get me wrong............I haven't gone off the deep end (yet), but I have been trying to find that right balance that makes me happier. And I am becoming happier. Yeah.......imaging that! Pessimistic Peggy becoming happy. Wild!

I have had some developments happen lately, that are somewhat inconvenient. Instead of allowing myself to spiral as per usual...........I decided to look on them as adventures. You know what? They have become adventures. Especially because of one, riding the bus, I'm meeting people and getting a chance to do one of my favorite past times, people watching. I am becoming reacquainted with downtown and have witnessed good characters to profile for future writing projects. It's so easy for me to be a loner, it tends to be my natural state. When I sink into it, I forget how much I enjoy people.

I have several irons in the fire and some plans for some partially planned adventures. I'm become more at ease with change and even starting to welcome it. I just hope my friends are up to my crazy ideas. If not..............I'll just go it alone. And you know what, that's perfectly okay with me. Sometimes adventure is more of an adventure when you experience it all by yourself. More of a thrill without a harness or safety net. I'm confident I'm ready for this new phase in my life. Here goes..........................................JUMP!

Dating Dilemma

2008-03-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

I don't like dating. I really don't. I hate the audition process. I hate having to put your best foot forward, because you know that as soon as they REALLY know you......off they'll go. I hate being put on the spot by asking where would you like to go? I don't know how much money they want to spend, so I'm always cheaping out. I don't want them to think I'm greedy........so I just end up looking sad.

I haven't been on a date in months. It's by choice. I have several friends that are on the kick of trying to fix me up. Why is it that when you're single and you're not dating, people just assume you can't find a date and it's their obligation to rectify that? No offense, but I've seen the guys my friends have tried to fix me up with.......and with the exception of one........fucking hell! No really, fucking hell! What sort of loser do they think I am? Maybe I'm being shallow.........no..........fucking hell!

At least once a week I get told I've given up. They may have a point there, but it was my decision to make. I wish they would put more energy into their own relationships and quit dwelling on my single status. Sometimes I feel they are trying to live vicariously through me. Make ME do all the things they'd rather be doing, so they don't feel so trapped.

Right now I'm very comfortable not dating. Sure, I have to rely on my own devices for entertainment, but actually I'm a pretty cool person and I like spending time with me.I hate when people get me to second guessing myself, by harping on the fact I'm becoming a hermit. No, I'm just choosing to do what I wanna do without having to compromise with someone daily. Dating myself is actually awesome. I always agree with me. Whatever I want for dinner.......hey I'm game. I never disagree with myself on what movies to watch or if it's a good idea to call it an early evening. Yanno...........come to think of it.........I may just be perfect for me. ;)

How Would You Soundtrack Your Life

2008-03-03T04:48:00.000-08:00

I often wonder if any other people have a bizarre quirk that I have. By that, I mean, do they mark events in their life by songs? Is there a swell of music in their head during memorable times? Many of you are probably in the dark as to just what I am prattling on about. Okay, I'll see if I can explain.

I am very influenced by movies, literature, art, and music. For a huge part of my life I have found solace in these things. Been able to hide in them. Music, in particularly, has always been a safe haven, a motivator at times.

It starts with my first memories of music. Twirling around at a Three Dog Night concert, in my granny dress and flowers in my hair. The stars were bright and everyone loved me. My dad allowed me to run barefoot and I was applauded by everyone as I danced and spun. It was at that moment that I felt safer and freer than I ever have since. It is not uncommon of me to now dream of dancing and spinning when I am anxious. Some people fly, when they are trying to escape in their dreams, I dance.

My teens were miserable. I know that most of you are nodding your head, "Ah yes, teenage angst". There was more to my misery than angst. I won't go into it, as it serves no real purpose for this story, but at that time my life was full of darkness. Did I also mention I was clinically depress? Music was my comfort. I would spend hours in my room just listening to this band or that. Around 1981, I made a huge discovery. I discovered punk. Punk music defined my life at that time, sometimes antisocial and rebellious, sometimes free loving and adventurous, mostly melancholy, depressed or angry.

As time went by, I never really gave up punk, but I allowed other music into my life. I will often now hear a song that not only marks an event in my life, but a feeling. Whenever I hear "It's Friday I'm in Love" by the Cure, I think of driving to and from college in autumn. I think of colored leaves, diffused light, and the smell of fall in the air. This is one of my happy places. When I hear "Mint Car", Why Can't I be You", or "Heaven" also by the Cure, I think of my convertible Lemans, summer, sunshine, happiness.

In my early twenties, my life had again taken an undesired turn. I had a child, was not married, and lived with the jackass sperm donor in Mississippi. I was stuck in a redneck hell. Everything I knew, was suddenly taken away from me. There was no art, no books, I had writers block and the only music I was allowed to listen to was country. I was withering away inside. The woman I was, was slowing dying. I continued my existence of mediocrity, by immersing myself in work. I worked two jobs so I had little time to think about just how horrid my life had become. Slowly, everything that was unique about me slowly faded. I became "every girl'. One that didn't wear make up or wear black nail polish. The ME in me was quickly disappearing.

I'll never forget the turning point. It was after midnight and I was driving home from my job at the movie theater. In Mississippi there was one classic rock station and many of country and r&b, so I switched to AM radio to see if I could find some interesting talk radio. What I found was a station out of Chicago, I think. The music it played was great. Some was familiar, but much was new. The drive home was 45 mins in desolate country side. It was a clear, cold night. The lack of light made the stars far more than I had ever seen before. I cracked the window so the cold air could keep me awake............and it was at that moment that I first heard a now familiar riff that I knew at that second, would completely change my life. It was Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit". I think the only way I can explain what happened next is that I had an out of body like experience. No longer was I in the truck, but flying high above it, with the stars. When the song was over, I felt like I had just had a religious experience. I knew! I knew that my life was not over and there were people out there that understood. I knew that the real girl, inside, still dwelled there, but had just become dormant. Still she lived. "Team Spirit" now represents a break of the chains for me. I listen to it whenever I feel I need to overcome something.

Night after night I listened to this station. I discovered Nine Inch Nails, Soundgarden, and Pearl Jam. I didn't know what grunge was and I could have cared less. All I knew was there was a music out there that completely embodied the feeling inside of me. The feeling of being disenfranchised, alienated, ignored. I wanted to scream out that it all was total bullshit........and I could, every night after midnight, alone in my truck, for 45 mins. A change came over me. I started to take control of my life in little ways. Where before, I had no one to talk over the utter crap I experienced from day to day, at night I had my 'friends' on the radio. I would have conversations with them in my head and they would answer me with song. They saved me in a time when I could have totally disappeared.

As my confidence grew, so did my actions. I changed the way I dressed. I quit trying to blend in with the deep south aesthetic. My boy friend objected, but I didn't care. He would tell me I was a mother now and could not dress like that. I simply ignored him and did as I pleased. After all, I never asked him to changes his redneck, boot wearing, truck driving, shit kicking persona. Why did he have the right to ask me? I tried to buy the music I loved so much, but it was unavailable. So I had a friend pick it up for me when he went to Dallas.

All of this sparked a war of the music, in my home. As time passed and we moved back to Arkansas, it got worse. Stupidly I went ahead and married the asshole and this war manifested it's self in little battles. My cds would disappear. My settings in my truck would suddenly become all country. On long trips back to visit Mississippi, the batteries in my cd player would mysteriously disappear, when we stopped at a gas station. All of this childish behavior only made me more determined and rebellious.

It all finally came to a head in 1995. NIN's Further Down the Spiral tour was coming to Little Rock and my grandmother, I think in a moment of open hostility toward my husband, bought me tickets as an early birthday present. Of course jackass hubby objected. He told me I was forbidden from going to that concert. I laughed at him.....forbidden? I was a free adult, how the hell were you going to 'forbid' me from going to the concert? Then he announced he would be attending it with me. He, the country loving, block shirt wearing, boot sporting, redneck? I told him he would get his ass kicked at that concert. I had promised my cousin she could go, so no, he was not going so the he could inhibit me. He was furious. The concert was January 31st and he used my going as an excuse to have an affair. To this day he still blames that concert for the demise of our marriage. To tell you the truth, our marriage was on life support and the concert and affair was just us pulling the plug. I also realize now, he probably was cheating with this chick before this cropped up. He just quit caring about getting caught. I caught him two days after the concert and poof.......family disintegrated.

I as angry.......oh my god I was so angry. I wanted him to suffer. I had loved him for him and apparently he could not love me for me. I wished all sorts of bad things on him, herpes, impotence and heartache. One day I was stuck in traffic and I heard the theme song of my divorce, Alansis Morissette's "You Oughta Know". Never in my life had a song so completely said every thing I wanted to say. Once again music rescued me. I would rage and scream with this song during my 1 hr commute. This helped me to air all the bitterness before I reached home, so not to let it touch my son.

I could go on chronicling the music that made marks on my life. I won't, for it would make this blog very long and probably very boring. I still find myself scoring people and events in my life, as if they were in one huge movie. Right now I've reached a sort of peaceful, yet melancholy place. I'm scoring it with Iron and Wine and Elliot Smith. I'm curious if other people do this, or if I'm just that odd chick that views her life as huge movie with an awesome soundtrack. Do any of you have a movie? And if so, what music accompanies it? I really would like to know.

Coulrophobia

2008-02-22T16:41:00.000-08:00

I have suffered from this most my life. If you don't know what it is, it is the irrational fear of clowns. I'm pretty sure this fear stems from the same incident that also gives me my fear of needles.

When I was five I had to have my tonsils taken out. The thing they gassed me with had a clown face on it. I assume it was to appeal to and soothe children. It had the opposite effect. The whole surgery thing traumatized me. It wasn't until 25 yrs later that I was able to link this event with my two biggest phobias. Suddenly it all made sense to me, although it still did not lessen the fear.
Okay, when I say I fear clowns, I mean it. Though I won't go bat shit crazy when I see them, I have to avert my eyes. I have this feeling of panic and the need to escape. It's irrational I know, but it's there.

Now that you know the origins of this fear, let me explain a few complications that have reared their ugly heads along the way. Around age 12 I was very drama oriented. I had been in several school plays and a couple of community ones. For my birthday, I was given comedy and tragedy masks. I loved them. I proudly exhibited them on my wall. This led to collecting harlequin masks. Soon I had easily thirty masks, placed on my walls as decorations. I did not equate these to clowns, they were entirely different, but evidently, not different enough for others. Soon I started to receive porcelain clown statues for birthdays and Christmas. Can you see my dilemma here? I didn’t wish to hurt the givers feelings, yet I was nearly paralyzed with horror with each new one I received. Year after year the collection grew. I placed them all on a corner of my dresser and covered them with a shirt or some other piece of clothing. I still knew they were there, but damn it, what was I to do? Finally I gave up all appearances of nice and banished them to the top of a dresser set inside my walk in closet. What was I thinking? I had put one of the things that scare me the most in the place that scared me the most. This unfortunate incident was exasperated by the reading of Stephen King’s “Night Shift, particularly the story “The Boogeyman”. Jesus, mother Mary, Lucifer, Buddha, this story scared the ever loving piss out of me. After that the closet had to be securely closed at night. The fact that those creepy clowns inhabited my closet only made it more ominous. I found that I could not go in my closet for any reason, at night, if I were alone in my room. I got in the habit of leaving clothes tossed on the end of my bed, just in case I should need a change of wardrobe after dark.

I continued to receive clowns for years, and I dutifully thanked people for being so ‘thoughtful’ to add to my ‘collection’. I didn’t have the courage to tell them they were all wrong and they had been torturing me for years with their gifts. No, I suffered in silence and my collection grew. It wasn’t until I was grown that someone bothered to ask me if I wanted more. My father, who had never bothered to get me a collectible, was stumped to what to get me for my 25th birthday. He commented, “Suzie (his nickname for me) you don’t want anymore clowns do you?” At that time I finally felt free voice the secret I had been carrying for years. I told him I despised clowns, actually it was harlequins I liked, but people had confused the two. My dad took this to heart and on my birthday he presented me with a beautiful, porcelain harlequin doll. THIS I treasured and displayed prominently in my room. After that I found a girl at work that adored clowns and who gratefully took my objects of fear off my hands.

Another scarring event involving clowns has to do with my step brother. Now let’s get this straight, my brother is a psychopathic bastard. I am not kidding or poking fun. This is a fact. He has a sadistic streak so wide that it cannot be measured. He figured out my clown phobia early, so he used every opportunity he could to harass me with it. When I was 15, our church had a Halloween party at a local farm. My brother decided it would be a howl for him and our cousin to dress up like clowns. He stalked me all night, making what should have been a night of fun, a long, stressful experience. I hated him for this. This only deepened my dislike for him.

Around 1986, Stephen King’s book “IT’ came out. Now I loved Stephen King, but there was no freaking way you were getting me to read that book. At least that is what I told myself. Finally I gave in and found a copy of the book without the creepy clown on the cover. I loved the book, but it further terrified me. The movie came out a few years later and I, who avoided “Killer Clowns from Outer Space” like the plague, was talked into watching the made for TV miniseries with my boyfriend. Now my boyfriend knew of my fear of clowns, it amused him; however, he didn’t not use it to torture me with. He knew I loved Stephen King and would tape it for me, as I was working a second job at night. Our son was a little over a year at that time. When he was born, his paternal grandmother gave him two crocheted toys to put in his room. One was a cute, benign chickie……….the other………..you got it! It was a clown, a four foot high one at that. I cannot convey my degree of loathing for that clown. It sat in the rocking chair and I would eyeball it nervously, every time I was in my son’s room. My boy friend would tease me about it, but out of respect for his mother, it stayed. At night I would put that stupid thing in the closet, for it is a known fact that clowns are most dangerous at night. This little quirk amused my boy friend to no end. He would go on about how ridiculous I was being. I knew it was stupid. I knew it was funny, but I could not control my fear of it. One of the nights that “IT” was running on TV, he decided to not wait for me to watch it. Big mistake. I came home to find him in bed, which was unusual. I went to check on our son and found the clown gone from the rocking chair. Being the phobic I am…….of course I grabbed my baby and ran to my bedroom. I told my boy friend it was gone and asked him if he moved it. He sheepishly admitted that the movie had unsettled him so bad, that he had taken the clown, wrapped it in a blanket, put it in a garbage bag, and put it in the store room outside. I felt vindicated!

Now this clown did not leave our life just yet. No, he made three moves, in a box that was never unpacked. One day my son, then age 4 discovered it and decided it would make a great wrestling buddy. I can’t tell you the stages of anxiety I went through, watching my beloved child twirl and body slam this clown, while he and his dad watched wrestling. I never said a word, as I didn’t wish to contaminate him with my fear. Then one day, shortly after my divorce, my five year old son crawled in my lap and told me “Clownie scares me.” I questioned him why and he told me that he thought Clownie was laughing at him at night and he thought he also grew teeth. Okay, I understood this. I was with him all the way. Still, trying very carefully not to make this bigger than it was…..I asked him what he thought we should do with Clownie. He promptly told me we should burn him in the burn barrel. Okay…………now I was all for that, but I knew as a parent I should show a little restraint here. I told him we would put Clownie in the spare bedroom for one month and if he was still intent on burning him after that month, I would allow it. A month passed and I would let him come in the spare bedroom with me, to gage his emotions on the issue. He was still very insistent that Clownie die, so we took him out to the burn barrel and watched him disintegrate. I cannot tell you how satisfying that moment was for me and my son.

Now my son is 18. He still claims he hates clowns, but I can tell this is probably more a habit than a fear. In fact, not too long ago, to my dismay, he dressed as a psycho clown for Halloween. My fear has not abated. I still feel as strong as an aversion as always. I was recently watching the movie “Benny and Joon” and the scene where Johnny Depp puts a jack in the box on the front porch, brought a whole new layer to my history of coulrophobia. I HATED those damn things. I think they are a hideous thing to do to a small child. I remember crying as a child when someone would try to entertain me with one. I know that this fear is unreasonable. I am a very literate, sensible woman. Just don’t expect logic out of me where clowns are concerned. I don’t care what you say…….they are ALL evil………and at night…….they laugh at you and grow teeth!

PETA Annoys Me

2008-02-21T03:58:00.000-08:00

Lol only in Arkansas. A cop is being investigated for taz'n a cow. I don't know the details on this yet. I don't know if he was helping round up a wayward cow or if he was just taz'n for fun, but PETA is all up in arms about this. Come on! I've been taz'd before by an asshole friend. Sure it fucks you up for a bit and it's not fun.......but it's not gonna kill you. Surely a tazer that was calibrated for a human is not going to phase a big ass cow. Yanno, I'm not in favor of hurting animals. In fact people that are cruel to animals piss me off. If this cop was taz'n the cow for fun......sure he should get in trouble. If he was doing this for fun, then he's a huge asshole that deserves to be punished.

Relating this news story to you, brings up a bigger pet peave of mine, PETA. I don't like PETA. I don't understand them at all. I have grown up on a farm with animals most of my life. My sister was a mad animal lover, that tried to save everything she could. I love animals. I don't have any currently, but there have been well loved animals in my home most of my life. All the experiences I've had with PETA people have left a bad taste in my mouth. My sister had a close friend that was a vegan Peta member. I really tried to respect her for her views. For a long time I respected her right to live a life in harmony with nature. That is until she decided to dictate to others what they should and shouldn't eat/wear.

What really burns me up about PETA is that they will protect animals over human life. This pisses me off. If you believe that man is a type of animal, then you should include man in your fight to protect. I'm all for fighting for the down trodden, but why aren't they including mankind in their fight too? Why aren't PETA raising hell about the mistreatment of humans? And to top it off, their strong armed tactics are crazy. Most people view them as crazy kooks and don't get behind them. Isn't the reason for a cause is to get more people to see things your way? That way you can make a change? If you are protesting outside a school in a Fish suit and telling kids their parents are murders.........how is that recruiting new members? How did you get these kids to really hear your message? You didn't , you monumental jackasses, you! Debate your stance in an intelligent way. Do smart campaigns that will appeal to people and further your cause. Don't do the stupid publicity stunts you pull, that get press, but for the most part just make a person roll their eyes at you and not even give the story a second glance. So until you start making your point in a civilized, intelligent way.........fuck the hell off!

**********UPDATE*************

Seems that the stupid ass cop did this for fun. Fucker! Damn you! Damn you to hell, cuz now I have to side with PETA. You ignorant scum you, I hope you rot! I know.......let's taze your sorry ass for fun.

My Day Dream

2008-02-19T04:08:00.000-08:00

I have this reoccurring day dream. I buy an old Airstream camper and remodel it to look like the inside of a Jennie's bottle (If you're a Wonderfalls fan, you'll get the reference) I take off to parts unknown and just travel and write. I'll pick up temporary jobs in what ever town I light in and decide to stick around for awhile. I cruise up to Canada from time to time and when I'm feeling really adventurous, I track down to South America. It's a cool dream huh?

People actually do this. There are all sorts of sites on the web to tell you how to travel and camp cheaply. This is a lifestyle for some. One that frankly appeals to me very much. Especially lately.

I've been toying with this idea and you know what? I think I'm gonna start saving for this Airstream. I'm gonna look for DIY courses, so I can learn to do the remodeling and repairs that may come up, along the way. I'm gonna have to sell off the majority of my stuff. I'm gonna take a few more film courses, so I can have better skills to make my films. I need to work on getting some freelance writing jobs, to have some bankable cash coming in.

The more I think about this dream, the more I talk myself into really doing it. I've done a hell of a lot of research on how to do it. I don't have a traditional life with a husband, so once my son finishes Culinary School, I'll be free to do what I please. I wouldn't mind having someone to travel with me, in fact that would be very cool, but I'm pretty sure that's not in the future. Besides, I'm very used to being somewhat of a loner, so I don't think I would have a problem with this. Just think, I'll be meeting new people along the way. I'll have friends all over the continent. Well...........I already have them all over North America. ;) And I'll have wireless so I can continue to blog and let you all in on my adventures.

Yeah...............hmmmmmmmm ..........I'm getting closer to making this a reality. I'll start with a really big map. I'll put it on my wall an start chosing my spots to visit. If you know places I should include in my little adventure, drop me a line.

The Day We Shall Not Mention

2008-02-12T03:34:00.000-08:00

I hate Valentines Day. It's always been a day of misery, disappointment, and shame for me. As a child I loved it. I would get my cards and would carefully pick just the right one for each friend. I took time to decorate my Valentine box. Sure I got plenty of cards in class. Although most were addressed to Dena, Dana, or Diana. *My name is Dinah* Then there were those that had no name on it other than the giver's. This meant they didn't pick a special one out for me, just gave me a random Valentine because they were supposed to. It plain sucked.

Fast forward to my teens. My boyfriend's always managed to break up with me before Christmas and Valentine's day. At school they would sell single roses or carnations to send Valentine Grams. I would sit in class and watch girl after girl receive their flowers. Most of them were sent by other girls, but I never got a single one. Now to be fair, I never sent one out either, but I might have had I been sent one.

In my twenties I had my first Valentine horror. Unknown to me I was pregnant and found on Valentine's that my boyfriend was cheating. We managed to muddle through that, but the next Valentine's Day he brought me home a half a dozen roses! Awesome right? Sure it was, until he decided to tell me right after he gave them to me that he had forgotten it was Valentine's day until he went to the store for diapers and saw all the crap and got the roses because they were marked down severely. See the roses were a dozen and six were badly blighted. Couldn't he have kepted this to himself?

After that, most of my Valentine's Day have been very crappy. I had boyfriend's break up with me on Valentine's Day, I had a fiancee call me and say he was going to be late......which he was......four hours late and brought me home some casts off that he got at a dollar store. I found out later he was late because he spent Valentine's Day with the girl he had on the side. So you can see the pattern of suck that has surrounded this day?

Which brings me to Valentine's Day 2007. My best female friend decided she was not going to let this one be a horrid day for me. She forced me to have a great VD by deceiving me and shanghi'n me. She got me great personal gifts, chinese food, chocolate, and booze. It was a really awesome day, I have to admit. It touched me to no end. It did not, however, change my view about this day.

So I am again boycotting VD. I will give my son his traditional box of chocolates, but other than that, I'm completely ignoring this day. I really don't think there will ever be anything that will ever redeem this day in my eyes. So if you see me.......just say hi. Bah Humbug VD!

I Don't Understand Men

2008-02-05T09:40:00.000-08:00

I really don't. You would have thought in my 40 yrs I would have gotten some kind of clue about them, but lately I realize I'm still as clueless as I was at age 15. One thing I do know, men are not all the same. Once I even tried to group them into subtypes, but even that didn't work. Here's what I do know about men.

1. Whatever their type is.......I am not it. Even if I might have been their type six months before, at the moment I am interested, I'm suddenly not their type. If I finally give up and move on, suddenly I AM their type.

2. I am either too much a drama queen for them or not enough. I don't think there is a man on this earth that wants the balance of queenism that I can offer between the two extremes.

3. They are either really needy or really anti social. If I'm involved with a man, I assure you whatever direction I take, it's not the right one. I have been called clingy and distant by the same man in two different tries at a relationship. I couldn't win.

4. If they are mentally unstable, they find me like a magnet. It's a done deal. It's almost spooky how a seemingly stable, faithful, grounded man will suddenly lose his mind when he becomes involved with me. A man that has never cheated in his life, will decide that this is the time to cheat, steal from me, or wander off with the little sheep.

5. I must be the female best friend type. I can't even tell you how many of my exs want to continue a friendship with me, or even persue one after they have broken my heart and I've told them to fuck off. I think this is the really confusing aspect of the men I've encountered. I was told I'm just a really great person and a hell of a friend. I guess the hidden message there is I suck at being a girlfriend.

Thinking on the man issue really hurts my head. I have decided to move on to other areas and just not worry about relationships. I still say that each individual man should come with their own 'owners' manual. This could save a lot of time and heartache, maybe.

DASEPO NAUGHTY GIRLS

2008-02-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

I NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!!

Doesn't it look awesome? I have a love for odd movies and if it's odd AND campy.....well bring it on. As a teen I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show over to 100 times. Seeing this movie became a ritual for me, two nights a week, for almost two years. I discovered Hedwig and the Angry Inch by accident and I loved it! I loved it so much that I went out and bought the soundtrack. Whenever I'm feeling down "Wig in a Box" lifts my spirits right up.

I agree with Quint at AICN......this has all the markings of future cult classic. It's only been shown on the film festival circuit right now, so I guess I better find one close to go see it. Hopefully someone will pick it up and it will have a US run. Damn this looks fun as hell. If anyone has information on how I can see this, somewhere in near proximity of Arkansas, clue me in, please?

Oh and Tim? Please? Can we please go see this if it is possible. I know you hate foreign films, but doesn't this look awesome?????

Near Misses

2008-01-29T04:19:00.000-08:00

I have found my life is a series of near misses. Both of obtaining what I desire and opportunities that would have thrilled me. Instead waxing poetic about poor timing and lost love, I'll instead focus on relating the events that I have missed out on, due to fate toying with me.

When I was 21, I took off a semester from college to earn money for tuition so I could transfer to Arizona State University. I had also secured an entry level position at a small magazine there. I was pulling major overtime at my job at a local movie theater and it looked like I was on the cusp of realizing my career as a writer. Enter an unplanned pregnancy. No I was not irresponsible and did not use protection, I was on the pill. Yes I was devastated. My dreams of a career in the field I felt I was destined for, suddenly went up in flames. Now I completely adore my son, but as a claims examiner for 15 years in a completely soul depleting industry, I can't help but wonder what if. Where would I be if all had worked out? What accomplishments could I have ticked off?

More recently, I re-enrolled in college, this time to learn the skills of a screenwriter/director. I decided it was not too late to pursue this dream that had been ruminating in my head for years. After all, I was only half way through my life, right? I adored script class and never missed a session. I couldn't imagine what would make me missed one. Then, one day I read that Neil Gaiman was speaking on an upcoming Tuesday at another local college. Tuesday night was a school night, but after checking my syllabus, I reasoned I was just going to miss a class lecture and surely I could get notes from a fellow classmate. The event was free and all I needed extra money for gas and for dinner. I emailed my RSVP, carefully put aside the needed money and I waited giddily. I had only discovered Neil and The Sandman graphic novels a couple months before and the mere fact he was suddenly speaking in, of all places, Arkansas, must mean it was fated I go! The Tuesday before the event, my professor advised us that a major project would be due the next Tuesday, instead of the following Tuesday, like was stated on the syllabus. Since it was a script for a commercial and you had to have a storyboard and give an oral presentation to the class, there was no just turning it in and leaving. It could not be turned in late and if it was not presented on time, there would be no grade. I cried. I lie not. I sat in my car after class and cried broken heartedly. What had I ever done to make the fates treat me so horribly? This was just another disappointment in a long history of almost, but not quite.

It seems fate is always dangling something attractive my way, only to snatch it away, just as I'm near to grasping it. This has happened repeatedly, over the years, in potential relationships, job opportunities, and awards. I often ponder just what I have done to possess such karma? Maybe I was a Nazi in my past life. All I know is, with the odds I've had my entire life, I'm due a really great windfall soon.

The Freaking FCC

2008-01-28T20:34:00.000-08:00

The FCC has threatened to fine ABC for a scene that included the nude behind of a female in a 2003 episode of NYPD Blues. This is incredibly laughable to me. Though not a fan of the show, I know this show has pushed the envelope where nudity is concerned. What I find very confusing is that while the FCC was okay with prior scenes showing brief nudity of their male stars, they find that it's the female nudity that is objectionable. To that I say.......what the fuck?

When did the sight of the nude female form become something far more obscene than the male? I know that when the male ass is bared in movies, it is often viewed as a vehicle of humor and since the notorious Janet Jackson incident, the FCC is on a tangent, but is it fair for there to be a double standard? Actually, I found the sight of Dennis Franz ass far more upsetting than I would ever find a female's.

I understand there has to be some guidelines of decency in the content on the public airwaves, but this arbitrary selectivism is bewildering. Come on FCC........get your shit together and be fair and unbiased. What? Did Mom beat you guys when she caught you beating off, while looking at nude pictures? Is this why you are so scared of a female naked behind? Come on! Really! Get over it already! Quit acting like little nancy boys at the first glimpse of female skin. Janet's pastie over a nipple is not going to corrupt the youth of today and neither is the sight of a woman's ass crack. Damn, kids today are used to ass crack due to today's fashion. If you really want to protect the public from objectionable material.........how about starting with the bull shit that is being lobbied about by our politicians. Now that I find really truly objectionable!!!!

What Good Are Feelings, They Just Get in the Way

2008-01-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

I heard that on Adult Swim tonight. I rather like that. I've had a few disappointments this week. Add on top of that being sick, mix well and you get one apathetic bitch. Sometimes people keep doing things and you get tired of getting outraged or offended, instead of wasting the energy to get on your soapbox and get angry......you just go...........meh.

I heard another good comment this week. Quit looking for the person you think you can live with and look to the person you can't live without. This actually speaks to me. I know people that keep looking for people they can 'fit' with. To be honest, I've done it myself. It's sad when you let those special ones get away. I've known people that would over look the very people they drew strength from, in favor of some intrigue. When they finally lost the person that offered them stability and a incomparable connection, they felt a void that sometimes is never filled again. On the other hand, what is good advice is not always obtainable. I thought I found that person once, too bad they didn't think they couldn't live without me. So yeah......there may be a flaw in that nugget of wisdom.

Oh, another grand piece of knowledge I gained recently........my soulmate smells like ravioli. This observation came from my goddaughter. I won't go into detail about it......but yeah.......that is freaking funny and I think it deserves it's own tee-shirt.

Today is my ex hubby's bday. My son forgot to call him. I couldn't be bothered to remind him. Does that make me a bad person? My son is 18, so when does my obligation of reminding him of things to do with is dad end? I used to buy cards for my son to give his dad. I don't think my ex hubby even remembers the date of my birthday. Wouldn't be the first or last ex to not know or remember.

I'll leave you with a thought I am pondering tonight............Why do people suck so bad? If you stumble upon the answer to that riddle, clue me in.......will ya?

Rush Hour Musings Part Deux

2008-01-24T03:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was pontificating on the advancements in science and today I shall continue on that train of thought. (There! See what I did there? I used a big word to make you think I'm somewhat intelligent, therefore making what I say seem almost important. ha!)

Again, listening to NPR, I heard a report about cars with guidance systems. They were saying, with the systems already set up to give you directions, that systems to drive and guide cars were not too far in the future. Can you imagine how this will change rush hour or traveling period? First, since these cars will be equip with anti collision software, this will prevent accidents and rubbernecking will become a thing of the past. This will also help to prevent accidents by drunk driving, sleepy drivers, texting while drive, and sex while driving. All good things, right?

I got to pondering, what would I do with my commute if I didn't have to pay attention to the road? Well I would probably read, or get wifi to surf the net. In the afternoon I may call my friends and catch up. On days I'm sleepy, I'd nap. I could put on makeup without endangering the lives of others. I could eat a fast food meal, without spilling it all over my boobs while doing that precarious balancing act of maneuvering the steering wheel while sucking down a burrito. If I was horny and I had tinted windows.....I could masturbate. Ohhh.....I could have a dvd player and watch porn or catch up on tv shows I missed during the week. I could crochet that blanket I've always been meaning to, for the couch. I could meditate. I could work on my many creative projects. I could make grocery lists, organize my purse, or pay bills. Wow..........so many things I could do!

I think I really need this car now. I think the alone time to do me things would be great. And if you were traveling with others........you could have good quality time to visit. Would the interiors of cars change? would there be two couch like benches along the sides, instead of the cockpit like areas we have now in front for drivers? Could vehicles not start to resemble RVS in that they have small kitchenette or bars for snacking? Just think of all the possibilities that could await us. However, I don't care who you are.......aren't you gonna miss the opportunity to vent at and flip off other drivers? That has become an integral part of our society. It's how we relate, work off steam, and how most of us stop short of a mall shooting. I know I will miss road rage........how about you?

Rush Hour Musings

2008-01-23T04:25:00.000-08:00

We all crave alone time. Alone time helps us reflect, re-energize, to organize, and sometimes, to daydream. I get alone time twice a day during my 20 min commute. During this time I've made goals, pondered relationships, created dialogue for characters in the story I am writing, rehashed conversations with a loved one, and solved the world's problems. Solved the world's problems you say? Sure, haven't you? Haven't you come up with grand ideas to solve this and eliminate that? Only, later when you tried to tell someone about it, you forgot exactly how it went? This is why I now carry a hand recorder with me. Stay tuned, I'll have us all fixed shortly.

The down side of my alone time is .......I get ideas. When I say ideas.....I mean IDEAS. They make sense at the time and in an odd way, still do.........sorta. See, I am infiltrated with a lot of information daily. This information ruminates and wallah! I have IDEAS. My latest? Well it has to do with cloned food.

So what? You are now saying to yourself. They have being talking about selling the meat of cloned animals in the news. Sure it's a subject worthy of debate, but no you did not come up with this IDEA. And you would be correct on that note. What I am talking about, is not meat from a cloned animal, but cloned meat. Lost? Okay I'll explain. I was recently listening to NPR about how they have cloned a monkey's heart. They are saying if this technique can be honed, they one day they should be able to clone spare body parts for humans, using your own DNA. No more waiting lists for transplants, no, you can just grow your own and there will be no fear of rejecting the implant, because well.......it's already yours. This is awesome. How many lives will this save? What a break through!

On another day I was watching a show on how they grow skin for skin grafts from cells for burn victims. In a sense they are 'farming' skin. Very cool huh? This got me to thinking.......if they can clone a heart or grow skin, why not grow meat? See! It's an awesome IDEA! We can clone/grow meat from superior cells, with no disease, antibiotics, hormones, or additives. The PETA people can eat meat again, for no animals will be killed in this process. It's brilliant, dontcha think? We can expand this to growing animal skins. Killing animals for their hide to make leather or fur will be a thing of the past.

This thought process lead to another revelation. If we simplified the cloning process and decrease the amount of time it took to clone food, built relatively small machines that could fit in your home and clone items for you, then the food replicators we saw on The Jetsons might not be too far in the future. Press a button and 'boom'.....fresh hamburger, grilled just like you like it!

Could it be that we are on another precipice of the future, like our not to distant ancestors, who saw amazing gains with the invention of electricity, telegraph, and the automobile? Could our children's children be living in zero gravity, with food replicators, flying cars, and robot maids. Wait......scratch the robot maid....it's already here and it's call the Roomba.

With all the strides we are making in technology, I don't know whether to be giddy or scared. I do know one thing.........when I drive I have too much time on my hands to think. And when I think I get IDEAS. What if these ideas are not so far fetched, but a possibility in our near future? Think on it........and if you hear they are starting this process......remember you read it here first. Well......maybe you did or maybe there is some report out there I have not read yet. Sometimes great minds think alike. Maybe some scientist with the know how is out there right now at this very second, trying to clone a steak. I'll take mine a ribeye, well marbled, medium rare please. ;)

Origins of a fetish

2008-01-20T15:49:00.000-08:00

In my teens, the long haired or androgynous singers in makeup fueled my masturbatory fantasies. I had posters of Adam Ant, The Cure, The Cult, The Misfits, all adorning my walls. I wanted to be Mrs. Robert Smith. I wanted a lover in eyeliner who would croon to me and make me weak. I wanted a man I could share my lipstick with. So I guess it was no big surprise that I developed a thing for drag queens.

In my twenties, I had a serious crush on a queen that did shows at a local dance club. She was beautiful and exotic. I would sit, weekend after weekend, transfixed as I watched her performed. She was friends with some of my friends, so I came to know the vision I had worshipped from afar. She was aware of my 'crush' and found me amusing. She would allow me to trail along as part of her entourage. She would dress me up like a doll and and exhibit me to her friends. I think I even imagined myself in love with her for awhile. She would flirt and tease me, brought me into her world as a funny curiosity, "Here look at the girl that is turned on by drag queens". I allowed them to laugh at me for I adored her and would give in to her every whim. Alas, my affection was unrequited as she only was attracted to males and I lacked a certain appendage.

As with all obsessions, it ended in heartache. It wasn't the rejection that caused my disillusionment, no, it was the realization that selfish, egotistically asses come in all shapes, sizes, and yes, even confused sexes. This ended my attraction for her, but not for others of her kind. It's crazy how the mere addition of eyeliner on a man can make my heart beat like crazy. It's still very much a part of my sexuality. However, now a part that I keep put away for private fantasies. Sometimes the fantasy is much better than the reality. In this case, I'm afraid it is so. So I will daydream of my men in makeup, occasionally borrowing my dress, but I'll look for the good upstanding guy that finds me as fascinating as I once found the guy who could become a beautiful girl. It's all about balance, right?

Comics and the Average Girl

2008-01-14T03:55:00.000-08:00

I read comics some when I was a kid and in my early teens. I wasn't a collector, but I did have titles I gravitated to. Mostly X-men, but sure I also read the old standbys such as Spider-man and Superman. I'm not really sure why I stopped reading them. It wasn't a conscious decision due to embarrassment or thinking they were 'kid' stuff. I actually think my death of comic reading came with buying Cosmo magazine. This would seem a normal progression of events for a girl, right? Graduate from comics to Cosmo. Makes sense to me.

The year before last I had renewed a friendship with an ex and during a conversation with this ex he introduced me to Neal Gaiman's The Sandman comics/graphic novel trades. I was intrigued by what he related to me and after researching it a bit on the internet, I realized I had unwittingly been admiring the art from these books for years. I soon went out and purchased my first comic in ..........well .........years. I loved it! I was hooked. I wanted more. Now if you know anything about graphic novels or trades collections, well they can be a bit pricey. I've only purchased two, but intend on having a full collection of the comic before it's over with. Still, owning two graphic novels did not make me a collector.

This last spring I was excited to find out that one of my favorite writers was releasing comic additions of her Anita Blake books. I was so ready for this. I knew the release dates and faithfully visited the comic store up the street to purchase them. Around this same time I learned of the Dark Towers comic, so sure, seeing I am a huge Stephen King fan, I had to have these too! I found myself doing more then just going to get those titles, I browsed. I mentally made notes of titles I wanted to explore. I researched them also on the net. Did buying all these books and researching them make me a collector? I still didn't think so.

I think my crossing over into the collector fold occurred the day I bought backboards and covers. Yep, I carefully put my comics into the plastic jackets and placed them in order in a box. I say a box........for I have a only one box so far. Not much of a collection, I admit. Still, I'm a novice and novices have to begin somewhere.

I haven't bought any comics in many months. It's not because I lost interest or have finished buying the run I wanted. No, I've not had the funds. I know this sounds silly, after all comics are just a few dollars. But, right now every cent counts and anything that was not absolutely necessary had to go. Oh I want more. I dream of more. I find myself scouring the internet looking for titles that will interest me. I have come accustomed to reading the news about ones I've never read. I have even started conversations with my friend about certain storylines and comic scandals. I have become hooked and I fully intend to continue to add to the titles I already have and have a several more I would like to try.

This ex, the one that got me back into comics, is very special to me. He also happens to be a huge comic book geek and in effect my comic book sensi. We have discussed comics often and during one of these discussions I found out he had composed a list of comics to introduce me to when I was ready. Comics he knew would be my taste. Now you girls out there may think poetry, gifts, or nice dinners is the best way for a man to express affection, but for a man to actually put thought into composing a list of comic book titles for you, a list that was tailored to your personality and personal tastes, now that is probably one of the sweetest gestures I've ever known. In fact, I think in comic geek behavior, it's quite a lot like making a mixed tape. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe this was a blantant romantic gesture, but still, it most certainly reflects the depth of affection that has developed between us. *Yes Dorkboy, you have had another John Cusack charater moment. This time, instead of channeling Loyd Dobler, you channeled Rob Gordon.*

After hearing which titles he had in mind for me, I became more excited and I can't wait to start buying again. Hopefully soon I will be able to add to my collection regularly. Yes I said MY collection. There I am owning it. My name is Dinah and I AM a comic book collector. There, it's out in the open now. Pardon me while I go get my geek on.

Happy Week After New Year's

2008-01-06T17:46:00.000-08:00

I sort dislike new year's. It has everything to do with me feeling like a failure. I have purposely avoided making new year's resolutions for this very reason. I jokenly made some that I knew I could accomplish this year. But they were just that, a joke. The truth is I do have some goals that, while I would love to accomplish them in 2008, I would be just as thrilled to complete them period.

This last year I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized I had been putting off doing things or having adventures, waiting for that special someone or that certain thing that would signal my life had begun. I realized the only thing keeping me from doing the things I desired was, well, me! So I started making one of those "Things to do before I die" lists. I put down all the things I wished to experience, some doable some fantasy. Whatever I wanted or imagined to experience, it went in my little book. No matter how small or how fantastical.

I didn't do a single one of them this last year. Any particular reason? No. Laziness? Probably. I am slightly ashamed, as several of them could have been easily achieved. I have no excuse. Absolutely none. This has made me a little angry with myself. So the other day I checked the ones I knew I'd have no problem doing this year. Yeah, 2008 is going to be the year I get off my ass. There are a few more I am sure I can tick off too. Some with friends, some alone. I'm going to quit finding excuses not to do these things. I don't want to be one of those lame ass people that say "I always wanted to, but I never did". When I look back on my life, however many years I still have left, I want to be able to say..........yeah I did (fill in the blank) and I had a hellah time.

So I dub 2008 the year of the plunge. No more toe dipping, no more easing in and testing the waters. No, I'm jumping straight in. Care to join?

End of the World?

2008-01-03T05:28:00.000-08:00

Last night, as I sat watching mind numbing tv, I heard the emergency response sirens go off. I was confused, for I had just watched the weather and we had clear skies. Were we under attack? Was bombing about to commence? Were aliens invading? Had there been a chemical spill at the rail yard? What?

Alright, yeah I'm slightly paranoid and sure I figured this was probably just an accident. Somebody was fucking around or miscued the time alotted to test. I flip through the local stations and searched the internet in hopes of finding an answer. They continued their shrieking for 20 solid minutes, surely this meant it was not a mistake. Should I panic? Should I start to fill containers with water, board up my windows, find a gun? Finally they stopped and there was never any mention of them on the news that was currently showing. I've checked today.....nope nothing. What the hell?

I'm very annoyed. I mean, aren't these sirens supposed to be for emergency purposes? Aren't they so ear splittingly loud so to get our attention? Okay, so you had my attention. Now what? Did you do one of the broadcast thingies on the bottom of the tv to let me know it was a fluke or a test? No you did not. Did you post on the city web site "OOPS! Sorry for the alarm"? No you did not. Again....what the hell?

I do have a point to this bitch session. This isn't the first time this has happened. During those times we were not informed why they were sounded either. What is this teaching us? Like a car alarms, something to be ignored? Isn't this a bit like crying wolf? What if there had been a real emergency and people have become conditioned to believe oh there is no bad weather it's just one of those whacky accidents? Just ignore it.....nah don't check the tv.....why waste time.......they never tell us why. Yeah.....great way to protect and alert the public numb nuts!

Why Do I Say No?

2007-12-28T10:01:00.000-08:00

I got asked out today by a guy that I've sorta dated before. I say sorta dated, because we never actually went out, but just hung out and watched movies mostly, until my dumbass decided to get back with my ex. He's much younger than me and I'm hesitant to do the younger thing again. Don't get me wrong, I get along much better with younger men than I do ones my own age. For whatever reason it seems younger guys are much more accepting of my ecentricities than older ones.

Back on track now. I said no. I don't know why I said no, but I did. I like this guy. He's really nice looking and has so many of the same interests as me, yet even as my head was thinking......."Yanno this would not be a bad idea, you need to get out and you do like this guy why don't you....." my mouth opened up and said "I plan on hanging out most the weekend just relaxing. I really appreciate the offer, but I don't think I'm up for it this weekend. But maybe I'll see you New Year's Eve at Kelsey's." What an idiot! I swear I don't know where it came from, for I really was considering it. It's like I have my dating response on auto-pilot. I'm really quite annoyed with myself. Oh, I could go back up to him and say........yanno I changed my mind.....but I'd feel like a complete tool. Besides, he didnt' give me the option of "Well if you change your mind give me a call" so I've probably missed my window of opportunity.

So, due to my complete stupidity, I shall sit at home again this weekend ALONE. But while I'm doing it, I'm gonna search my damn Syn user manual to find out how to turn auto response OFF.

Abominable Snowman Houseshoes

2007-12-24T14:29:00.001-08:00

Yeah they are awesome! I know you're jealous. I spotted them while out shopping Saturday, but I didn't give into temptation, I had to buy gifts. I mustered up all my willpower and walked away. Still, damn I really wanted those shoes!

I watched Dez's lil boy for her yesterday and as my reward......she bought them for me. I cannot convey how cool they are. My son even stole them from me last night, but I wrestled them away from his thieving ass and now the are back where they belong.......on my feet!

Couple years back I got a stuffed Bumble for Xmas. If you squeeze his belly it plays "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas". I adore it and wanted to ad Rudolph, Claire, Hermey and Yucon Corneluis to my collection. Unfortuantely, I could never find them again. When i spotted these Saturday I knew I must have them. I just hoped they would be there after Xmas.

I'm contemplating wearing them to my Dad's Xmas get together tonight. Oh no one will bat an eye for they expect things like this from me. I'll have to think on it. They ARE comfy and so very cool....yeah.....I think I will. That's it for now freaks and freakettes. And remember, all the cool kids are wearing Bumble!

Christmas is Fixed!

2007-12-23T15:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I gripe and complain about Christmas, but I do love it. Man do I love Christmas. Sadly, Christmas' aren't usually good for me. You'd figure I'd just give up and not give heed to the holiday season. No matter how much I whine about being alone on Christmas, being broke, or the idiots you encounter shopping for presents..........I still love Christmas.

I have awesome best friends. I love them both dearly. I'd do anything in the world for either and I have tried very hard to help both make their Christmas' good this year. Both have had a hard couple of years and I wanted to try to do whatever is in my abilities to make their's merry. This is why the gifts they have given me are so special, because they were so damn thoughtful. Twice in two days, each one of them has brought me to tears.

First, to make a long story short, I'm without a tree. I took it to my ex's house last year, didn't get it back, end of story. I had resigned myself to not have one this year. I just put up all my other decorations and decided it would have to be enough. My mom was supposed to bring me her spare tree, but I guess she forgot. I was cool with it. I really was. Yet late Friday night I found myself looking sadly at the spot it should have gone in. I really did want a tree. Damn.

I had talked about not having a tree. My bestfriend Dez knew about this. I tried to sound upbeat and uneffected. I guess she saw through it, for yesterday afternoon she and her two elves delivered me a prelit tree. I had to turn my head to wipe my eyes. It was such a sweet gesture, that I was overwhelmed. It really made my day. It was awesome.

A couple of weeks ago, my best friend TGC gave me a gift subscription to Netflix. I am such a moviephile and this was such an awesome gift that I was more than appreciative for. I love this gift. It was so thoughtful and so personal......I don't think he could have gotten me anything better. Well he topped it today. Today he had gone to see a showing of I Am Legend and we were discussing it on the phone. Next thing I know he was telling me he was ordering me tickets online so I could go see it. I got choked up. I don't know if he could tell, but this touched me. I've been so broke this last year, that even going to the movie theater is a luxury so this is like winning the lottery. I'm so excited about this. I have anticipated this movie for months, and to actually get to see it in a theater......there are no words.

Okay enough sap. You'll not get this regularly from me. I leave you on this note, I am blessed to have the two best friends a girl could have, Merry Christmas and I love you both so very much!

*Side note, in previous blog I was worried I had emotionally damaged my goddaughter by revealing there was no Santa Claus, seems she just had a big laugh at my expense and all is well. Lil dorkette! Its' on! Oh it's so on!*

Christmas is Ruined.

2007-12-23T05:57:00.000-08:00

I've done a very bad thing. Something that even this cynical bitch would never dream of doing on purpose. I outta Santa Claus to my 13 goddaughter. I know. Don't bother telling me what a heinous bitch I am, I know. I'm really feeling the low of the low. See, I truly didn't think she believed in him. I mean, come on, unfortunately in this age kids grow up way too fast. She's damn near 14, so when her mom said.....I'm taking Nic with us to shop for Christmas, but I don't know if she believes anymore or not, I laughed and assured her that Nic was just 'faking' for more presents.

So there we were, out shopping.........four girls in elf hats, being silly and having fun, when Nic's mom snuck off to buy her some Holister perfume. I was standing with her and her brother's 15 yr old girl friend, when I started laughing and bumped her with my hip. "Hey Nic, wanna hear something funny...........your mom was wondering the other day if you still believed in Santa Claus." She looked up at me with those big doe eyes and said all innocently "What's the funny part?" I waited a beat for her to start laughing , but she didn't. My heart fell. I felt like the most awful bitch in the world. I mumbled something about...........well I told her you get to do elf work this year and then distracted her with a top on a table. Damn. Damn FUCKING HELL damn!

See, again I'll remind you, yes, I am a cynical bitch, but I have also protected the tradition of Santa viciously. I have threatened older kids when they wished to burst little ones bubble. When approached by my own son with that dreaded question "Mom, tell me the truth........is there really a Santa." I put off the truth for a year with "Who do you think brings all those presents, I sure can't afford them." When we did finally did discuss it, I let him know that, no.........there is no 'physical' Santa anymore, but St. Nicholas was real. I explained to him that 'Santa' is a tradition handed down from parents to their children to keep the spirit and wonder of the season going. I told him he was now part of "Santa". That in his carrying on the tradition, he had become part of the collective Santa. We even studied the many traditions of Santa around the world and incorporated in Black Pete, for a few years. To this day he still takes this duty very serious and will thump older kids in head when they try to tell little kids that Santa isn't real.

I am the worst of the worst. I have an idea how to fix this. Well, not fix it, but to explain to Nic, like I did my son, that she was now Santa Claus. It really excited my boy, to be in on this great secret and to help me continue the tradition. I'm hoping she'll be as thrilled as he was. If not, Santa don't bother to bring the coal and switches. I know. I KNOW!

Why Must I Wait?

2007-12-22T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm a patient person. I really am. Yet there is one pet peeve that will annoy me to no end. People making me wait. I mean, come on! If we make plans, try like hell to be there on time or at least somewhere in close proximity.

Okay let's try this again. I am a patient person. Really! I just hate waiting. I am by no means an on the dot person. I may be a few minutes late for things. Usually never more than 10 mins. It's waiting for people that have made plans with me that turns me from patient Polly to asshole Anne. I start to have evil, bad thoughts. I curse them for being so selfish that whatever is keeping them is much more important than plans with me. I rationalized that it's a warped sense of self importance that makes them dally, because after all............"she'll wait". This is utter bullshit. I don't do this to people. If I do.......it's because I'm blowing them off. So does this mean you all are blowing me off? Maybe, maybe not. Are you?!

Well now that I've got my daily dose of paranoia outta the way, I'll tell you that, even though I get very pissed, the minute they show up all is forgotten. I'm so happy they finally made it that it's like I get temporary amnesia. Then it happens again and I'm a raging lunatic again. I pace the floor, curse, and bitch to a mutual friend about how rude it is and how bad I hate it. Then the tardy pal shows up and I'm all smiles. It's like I have split personalities. The vicious cycle continues.

The reason for my rant? I'm waiting. Plans were made, confirmed and reconfirmed. Still yet, here I am.......waiting. I'll get the raging out of the way and go through the five other stage of emotions I do during this melt down. Hopefully I'll get to acceptance soon, right now I'm stuck on extremely annoyed.