Funerals

Funerals are for the living. As I sat through Lee's funeral, with the exception of the pick of music, I thought, this isn't what he had wanted. Through the sermon, my mind wandered. I again thought, "Would an atheist want a sermon?" Then I realized that he wasn't here to experience it, so what did it matter? The sermon was for the family.

Funerals are for the living. To mourn, to say their goodbyes. I've been saying my goodbyes since Wednesday. I raged at him for not taking better care of his health. I smiled at the memory of him chasing me through our house, being silly, I cried when I recalled the moment our family fell apart. We had been apart for three years. In those three years, we didn't have a lot of contact, mostly enforced by me. I had to put that life behind me, so did he. After seeing all the people that came to his funeral, it looked like he had done just that. In fact it seems he thrived and for that, I am thankful. I loved him, but we were wrong for one another.

His daughter had me sit with his family. I held the baby that would have been 'our' grand-daughter, had we married. She looks incredibly like him. Big blue eyes and a devilish smile. It broke my heart that she will never know him. Now don't get me wrong, he could be an ass with the best of them, he caused me quit a bit of heartbreak, but he could also be playful, thoughtful, charming, reliable, and very loving. I choose to remember the good parts. I let go of the anger a long time ago.

I've said I don't want a funeral. I want a wake. I want a party. I want my life to be celebrated, not mourned. Despite the ups and downs, I really have had a pretty good life and I wish for my love ones to remember that. I realize I can express my wishes, but it's really up to my family and friends to do what is best for them. Funerals are for the living, so I'll let the living choose when that time comes.